Ups and downs

This weekend was interesting. Tattoos, beers (giving up booze lasted until about 9:30 pm Friday night after the ink session with my sister), baby shower, shopping, smoking. Not all that typical actually, but not bad. Tried to keep myself distracted from focusing on my lack of being at a wedding with Josh, it worked decently well until today.

Haven't heard from him. I can try to not care and act like it's normal, and I guess it really is, but I can't fool myself. It hurts. I haven't contacted him either. He was at the celebrity wedding, not me. I was in NJ getting inked drinking beers with my mom. Seriously, sometimes I don't know if opening yourself up is worth it. I thought it was for a while and I focused on the warm and fuzzy feelings, but I gotta say life were a ton easier when I didn't let anyone inside. I didn't care when I didn't get a text or call. I don't know when I'll be willing to do it all again- I don't think for a while. Icebox is making a return. It's so much easier.

I was doing really well not caring until today. I guess baby showers will do that to you- when you realize you'll never even have a bridal shower let alone a baby shower. (Not that I'm entirely convinced I even want kids, but that's not the point.) I was debating about giving a "how was the super pimp wedding" text, but decided against it. What's the point? There is none. A doormat would've texted that. While I don't feel like anyone's Dream Girl, I should at least practice the behavior.

It's kind've mysterious how you can have everything you've wanted in a person, and then it's just gone. I know like no relationships ever work out, but isn't that such a mind fuck? Like, hey we were great together but now we're not so lets go on and try to find someone who's greater, and who will be great forever? Forever doesn't exist to me. Show me a relationship thats been great forever and then we can talk. What I love is when people are like, "you shouldn't have issues so early in a relationship." Well honestly, maybe they aren't issues. Maybe I'm just more honest than the average person because I've grown up seeing so much acting- pretending everything is fine when it's not. Maybe I like to point shit out more than most people. Does that make me fucked up? Will I never have a lovey dovey relationship? I don't believe in the "Honeymoon" stage- life is never a Honeymoon, why would a relationship be one at any point?

I've been trying to fill the void (I don't feel a void but there has to be some reason I keep shoving my face with calories) with Doritos which has to stop. Sounds like everything I said Friday but I really have to try and pull it together this week. I'm hitting the gym hardcore - I've noticed my middle getting thicker which is freaking scary. I have my routine where I get out of bed in the morning, walk over two feet to my mirror, lift up my shirt and inspect my gut. Normally it's on the flatter side in the morning, so I feel decent. From my shoveling to fill the void this week I can see it getting a tad flabbier and I'm not just saying that. Must stop. When my bf from college gave me the heartbreak of my life to date (age 21) I was able to lose 15 pounds. In a way I wish Josh would've been real direct about breaking up, saying something really honest in that mean way, and I would've been able to kick start some weight loss. Instead it's this Limbo crap which makes me hungry for love in the form of peanut butter, Doritos, beer and wine.

Some guys from college gave me the old "Hey we're out, come meet us!" text Saturday night around 11:30- while I was eating peanut butter cookies, drinking homemade margaritas and watching Knocked Up. They're really more friends with my male BFF- but why couldn't they have texted me earlier? I know the one kid who was texting me has a gf and IDK what that's supposed to mean- but it would've been a nice distraction regardless of their motives.