The TALK was indeed monumental

So- the talk. Ok, I knew it was going to be the official break up talk... that's not really the correct way to put it, but I'm not sure how to explain it. I go out with Unlovable before and have a beer, shoot the shit. Since he was not intoxicated he was good and wished me luck. Call Josh, he says I'm just jumpin in the shower right now but come over. Leaves the door open. I go in and he's in the shower. His couch is kind've awkward, and he's in the shower, so I lay on his bed waiting... I guess to break the awkwardness, if you act comfortable maybe it will be comfortable? Not like, "hey came over so we could break up, let's act like strangers." He walked and smiled.

Then over what felt like both an eternity and fleeting moment, we had a monumental conversation. It was the most honest conversation we've had...maybe ever? He completely opened up to me and admitted to flaws that were very difficult. Although he'll never read this and no one knows him or me really, I sort've think twice about even writing about it because I know it was so personal for him. He basically said he's not happy with himself, drinks too much and has been poppin painkillers. I knew he drank too much and we had discussed that before. Painkillers I knew little of. I know why he has some but that's it. I knew he wasn't happy, but I didn't know the extent. I know firsthand when you're not happy with yourself, you're not happy with anyone else either. You're not yourself. That's what I just went through, January-ish. I was feeling like crap for various reasons, and while I was dating J (time for initials) I took it out on him because I began to rely too much on him to make me happy. You have to make yourself happy or you'll never be happy. I had to pull it together. Thankfully with the new job and what not things are looking better for me which helps. But I felt like I was stuck where I was in a rut and it was not how I pictured my adult life to be. He recently went through some stuff, so I can understand how he feels like this, although he has a lot going for him. I think his BFF is a bad influence on him- he's old (like late 30s and still lives like a frat boy), has a shitty long on again off again relationship, drinks a lot, and he's just not a grown up... but I'm not gonna blame him, but it's probably not great he spends a lot of time with the guy. I like him, he's just not what J should turn out like. Anyway, so he basically pours his heart out. He's a private guy, he's a strong guy, he doesn't do this. Emotional stuff. His eyes got all red. I of course cried, because that's what I do. Too many emotions all at once. My initial reaction was that I just can't talk to him anymore, because that's what I had been preparing myself for. I know no matter what, I can't fix him, he needs to do it on his own. I'm not a therapist, I've tried to play that role before and it doesn't work for anyone and is damaging to myself. I felt confused and sad for him and sad for myself that this was it and I'll never see this guy again. I kept telling myself to just look at him and take everything in because this was it. I told him I thought he was seeing other girls, not this. He said I always told you it wasn't about anyone else, this just hasn't been easy for me to say, and I knew I could lose you. Now I understand why this was a talk that didn't just happen and why it had to happen. I kept telling him that I'd miss him, he said he'd miss me too. I said we're losing each other, he said we're not. He said he didn't want to drag me down, I understood.

Looking back on it, I know why I reacted the way I did, but I wish I would've been more...gentle? about it. How I reacted wasn't wrong, but it wasn't understanding either... but I guess I wasn't in the place to be understanding because I had been preparing myself for a fight and to find out he was talking to other people or something. I had been convincing myself that I was over it. Then he pours it out, and he's him again, and he's putting himself completely out there, disclosing deep, personal issues just to be honest with me. He wanted me to know. He could've easily said, "I'm not in the place to date someone, sorry." Would've been the same message. Instead he was completely vulnerable. Admitting flaws is never easy, especially when it's something like alcoholism or being depressed. I could've been more supportive, because he hasn't fucked me over, it was just hard for him to talk about. Now I get it. And really, he wouldn't have been that honest if he didn't have deep feelings for me. I don't even admit when I'm wrong about dumb stuff, let alone huge things wrong with myself. Now I feel silly thinking he's wrapped up in other girls when in reality he's wrapped up in not feeling good about himself. I know how shitty that is.

So late yesterday I emailed him a short message, after realizing I was not very receptive or understanding. I just thanked him for being so honest, expressed that I still care and I'm here if he needs me, and wish we met at a better time for both of us. It was thoughtful and to the point. Today he emails me back thanking me too and yada yada.... I actually didn't even expect him to write back, so that was surprising.

And maybe this is really weird and doesn't make sense, but all of a sudden today I'm filled with a complete sense of being content. (That was after crying on the way to work, hehe.) That eventually things will fall into place. Maybe I'm just still flyin high, but it's a really weird feeling. I can't really miss him because he's not him right now, at least not all the time. And I really really understand that because I didn't feel or act like myself at all for a while when I was going through stuff. Honestly though, that talk made me realize exactly what I like about him. Everyone can talk shit and act like he's a big ass and player, but they don't know him like I do. He didn't open up to them. He really does mean well and he's such a good guy, he just has issues. Everyone has issues, some worse than others. I'm not going to "wait around" or try to "fix him," he needs to do that. Whatever happens, happens. A lot of what's gone on makes complete sense now. It's sad it took so long to communicate, but now I know why it did. Maybe I would be less understanding if I hadn't just gone through some of the same stuff.

God, all these feelings are a bit much for me. Maybe I should try to be more understanding and less quick to anger a little more often. You never know what you'll experience when you're not constantly on the defensive. A lot of people will let you down, but I guess not everyone will, at least not all the time.

Putting in 2 weeks notice is like a free pass to surf the web all day apparently.

So who knows now. I wish I were starting my new job sooner, or that I was leaving for FL this Thursday instead of next.