It Is What It Is (and that's a pretty good Lifehouse song, whose album is actually decent)

Things have been good, calm. It is what it is - that's really a precise way to put it. Like I said, J wrote back and was happy. We left things (well, not sure anything's been left) on a good note. I think I communicated that while I'm not running in the other direction, I'm not running in his direction either. I'm here if he wants support or a friend (yikes?) but I'm not chasing someone who clearly isn't in the position to be chased whether he wants to be chased or not - which I'm not really sure. I know he has feelings for me, but that's not enough. Whatever. So anyways, since The TALK Monday night and a couple short emails I hadn't spoken to him all week. I did a good job accepting the situation and didn't even THINK about driving by his apartment to see if a random car was there or if his car was there or anything. I actually trusted when he said it's not about other people, it's about him. Go me! I'm not completely unhinged after all. 


I'm happy to report I have been sober for THREE WHOLE DAYS. hahahha No seriously, not even a glass of wine - I even ran five miles Wednesday night. I was planning to run and lift last night, but then I got a random text from Kyle around 5pm. We've spoken but we haven't really seen each other (besides the gym) in weeks - but again, things were left on decent terms. The text said that he knew it was last minute, but would I be interested in going to the Devils game (game 5- do or die, they were down in the series 3-1). His male BFF was supposed to go but bailed. Kyle is hardcore Devils fan, I am not - the only hockey game I've probably only watched one hockey game in its entirety and that was the game he brought me to at which J saw me. Who's proud of me for going to a sporting event and not having a beer? (I love beer.) Now if I were following the Argov rules, I never would accept a last minute date - but since I wasn't even sure it was a date and I really wanted to go because I  love intense games, I said hell yes. I seriously didn't know it was a date. It didn't really feel like one, he didn't try to hold my hand or anything and he put his arm around my seat but not my shoulders. Throughout the night I realized that while I can't see it going anywhere, I do enjoy his company. He's funny and talks about ALL the wrong stuff - from partying and drinking to his ex-girlfriend (I got the FULL run down, which was really funny but if I were into him I would be thinking huge WTF!). The thought that J would NEVER bring this stuff up because he knows better and is more mature only crossed my mind like, twice, tops. This all contributed to my confusion about whether or not it was a date. He let me pay for parking- $30, he fought about it but I insisted - I had to since I didn't know if it was a date. I did offer $ for the ticket and he said no way. (Thank God.) I think if I had thought he was considering it a real date, I would've enjoyed myself a lot less. I guess there was no pressure so I could relax. In the past I felt there were hopes and expectations on his part - but I think since I sort've blew him off before he's not as hopeful. Sounds mean but it's not. So at the end of the night I'm nervous... a good night kiss? (A completely sober good night kiss - ahhh.) At first I walk to my car (I had drove to his house, he drove to the game) and we do a hug and kiss on the cheek and I say thanks, but then he stands with his back toward my car door semi in front of it. I'm thinking, oh god... what now. Then we do the awkward small talk. Finally I tell him I'm cold and I'm gonna get going, had a really good time, thanks (I really did too!) and he BAM goes in for it! At first it was a little awk because he half missed my mouth, but then I thought, HEY THIS IS NOT THAT HORRENDOUS!  He smelt nice. It was a decent 10 second kiss. When I got into my car I found myself smiling....which made me think of the last time this happened. The last time I went to a Devils game and the last time he kissed me and I got into my car. The last time I immediately felt UGH and the urge to text J. This time I felt okay, content. Kyle doesn't give me butterflies or anything like that, I can't see myself with him, but he's nice to be around. 


I'm laying in bed last night and realize I hadn't heard anything from J all day. Nothing. 1st day of complete no-contact. I was kind've sad but I knew this is something I have to get used to, and it will get easier. I pictured him laying in bed watching Sportscenter and highlights of the NFL draft. He kind've smiles when he sleeps I noticed. Or maybe he's not really sleeping, maybe he knows I'm looking at him and that's why he does it. We used to play the game where we'd get in bed and watch TV and wait each other out to see who would make the first move. I'm not sure why we did that, both of us knew exactly what the deal was. We'd both end up half asleep and waiting. (This is obviously not conducive to waking up early for work.) Wow, digression. 


My alarm goes off this morning and I have a text from him around 1am:  "I went to the bathroom and stabbed my foot with your earring lol" ..... I used to tear my earrings off and throw them next to his bed. I also leave a trail of bobby pins wherever I go, I noticed he started a collection on his dresser... when I left Monday I didn't take them. I don't know why, I just left them there. While I'm trying to give up over-analyzing along with my daily wine consumption, what would possess him to text me that at 1am? That text is like an "us" thing. It has to do with our routine. This is how guys pull you back in. Or maybe it takes a stabbing in the foot to get him to text me? Ugh........... This also means he's confident it's mine, although I don't remember leaving any earrings there. Could this mean he's just digging for an excuse to text me? Why at 1am? 


I've been informed that they have hired a replacement and I have to train her next week. This completely screws up my procrastination for my last days of work. Now I have to clean out my desk because I'm assuming she will be sitting at it, and I know how fun it is to come in to your new job and have your own desk! And I also have to file my two years worth of paperwork, and write training documents. Yay.