WHOA, the day I have been dreaming of

Big days always seem like they should be really climatic but they rarely are. I sort've feel like I'm graduating college again- it's a similiar feeling. Last day of work. Going to Florida. Day 5 no-contact. It's like I have a ton to say and nothing to say.

Change has never been a strong point for me.

Angry

Having an angry day. I'm deleting my Facebook because I don't want to look at his Facebook and I don't have to use it for work anymore.

No-contact day 4.

Working me to the bone

Geez, I think I've been busier this week, which is my last week, than I've been in....a realllllly long time. I've been training my replacement which is surprisingly tiring. BUT it does make the time go faster, so I can't complain. I hope being busy at my new job will make my days fly. Made plans with my replacement, who incidentally has the same name, to get drinks one night when I'm back from Florida. Sweet.

I had a precious moment of clarity at the gym last night: I'm sort've relieved that I'm done with J. The whole thing was getting really tiresome and it pretty much sucked to never know what the hell was going on with him. I honestly want him to text or call me just so I can be cool and blow him off. I'm not even sure if I really miss him honestly, which is an interesting revelation...most likely stemming from the fact that it's really been a long time since things were "easy."

I want to hook up in Florida.

I was matched with a 34 yr old on Eharm, who has season Giants tickets. My bro said he looks like a young version of old biology teacher - not a good thing. Is it weird I kind've like how he looks older? I've dated guys in their 30s before, they never actually looked like they were in their 30s though. Bro said he looked 45. He has not requested communication yet. Football season is still months away, so we'll see. I'm evil.

I like it when it rains

No-contact day 2. It's rainy and miserable out. I like it. It makes me feel like it's okay that I'm not bursting with sunshine. I'm okay though. I feel it getting easier already, especially when I tell myself I really still don't know who he is so I'm not sure what I even lost, if anything. I like to believe I know, but after getting back together only to be told he can't do it  like, a whole 2 weeks later, I just don't know. Don't you have consideration for other people's feelings? I guess this is normal though. All things end. They've just never ended for me before in this way.

2.5 days left of work. My replacement was in today - she was quiet but I guess that's expected. I wanted to fill her in on the real deal but I don't think you really understand until you experience it on your own. Not that working there was horrible, it was just boring and there are a LOT of very...unique personalities to deal with and you don't get much respect. I think it's like that everything though. Too bad we weren't there at the same time because she might've been decent to hang out with, I think she's about my age. I'm about finished up on most of my dreaded projects and now I get to hand everything off to her... feels kind've weird. I'm happy but I've never been that great with change. Feels weird I won't be there next week. I'll probably never talk to any of them again.

I know this is horrendous but I was approved for a credit card with a limit high enough that I don't have to worry about starving. It's a back up for emergencies. Knowing I have it makes me feel better. I'm going to try really hard not to use it for something as frivolous as hiring a personal trainer to make me feel good about myself again....

Time for the gym to force myself out of my house so I don't stand in front of the fridge eating half a carton of Banana Split ice cream, again. I'd be a lot more excited about Florida if I actually fit into my clothes.

Exes and Eharmony...I make my return.

While wrapped up in my J depression (not gonna lie, this is the shittiest I've felt in a long time. I'm going to even say shittier than when we first broke up. I should've said fuck having money and just gone out this weekend instead of dwellling in my misery.), I haven't mentioned I've been hearing from my ex, Moron, frequently. I find it bothersome to even type about it because I am so over him and that whole year and a half of agony. He wasn't entirely horrendous, he just wasn't me and I stuck around WAY TOO LONG and it just got uglier and uglier. I ran into him a couple months ago and then again a couple weeks ago and he acted like a moron. However he's pretty intelligent, so shocking. We chat once in a while now about work - he asks me for advice and I ask him what he thinks. Anyway, he kept pressing me to hang out this weekend and kept saying he knows I miss him (this is all through text) and my response was, "now I know how my ex feels when I say this shit." He says, "so you miss me huh" and I said, "no, I just feel stupid." hah.

Last night I have a dream about my ex I dated throughout college, on and off. Who dumped me right after we graduated and I was beyond heartbroken and lost 15 pounds. (3-4 months later I met Moron.) In the dream I believe we were married, and happy. He's a happy guy. We didn't talk for a while but now we do occassionally. I actually called him hysterical at 2am the nite J dumped me and he talked to me for a good half hour as I bawled and snotted all over myself. He called me later to make sure I was okay too. So I text him today like hey you were in my dream last night. I walk into the gym literally 2 minutes later and there he is. WEIRD? I broke his heart back in the day (during the 1st off period...things were never the same after that). Sigh. Tomorrow is his birthday. 2 years ago on his birthday I made him some sweet cupcakes.

So obviously it's time to get back on the horse. Me & J haven't REALLY been together for a few months now. It's time to date. I tried Plenty of Fish, it was not for me. Too... much like a cheap Adult Friend Finder. Ew. When Moron & I broke up last summer, conveniently right around my birthday, I signed up for Eharmony. I ended up meeting two guys, 1 was a psycho and wanted to rush (it was painfully obviously..although I guess he was 31 and thats where he was at in life) and the other was just too far but he's a cool guy. So since Eharm just sent me an email saying I could sign up for $20 a month for 3 months I went for it. I really didn't like it too much when I had my subscription, but I think it will force me to focus my attentions elsewhere away from J. No one can search for me, which I like. My matches are delivered and I don't need to do anything unless I think they're 1. hott 2. have a decent profile. What the hell do I have to lose besides $60 (billed monthly, so that's half a tank of gas a month), despite being broke I'll take my chances. It could be fun...right?

Today: Day 1 of no-contact with J. I can do this. I'm really freaking sad though.

Success is the greatest revenge, not that I care

It's been about a week. I've gone through the necessary steps, not sure in the right order but definitely the order that works for me: sadness, what I thought was clarity that led (or misled) me to feel content and like "everything will work out like it should" which is obviously BS, to confusion, to the final step of being angry. Being angry works for me. When you're angry and you curse someone, they no longer have the power to hurt you. "Whoever cares less in the relationship has the power." Power is back.

I must've been smoking crack in my sleep to believe that he wasn't breaking up with me because he didn't like me, he was breaking up with me because he has too many issues like his drinking problem. If he liked me, he would've wanted me around regardless. Saying that BS just made it easier for him to feel like less of a dick. I wanted so much to believe he wasn't a dick and like my feelings weren't built on his charming lies, but they were. I told my mom sometimes I feel like he's full of it, and she actually said, "his family thinks he is. they think he's just a player." OUCH! hahaha. (Don't let your parents set you up, especially when they know this. Thanks 'rents.)

So my week of moping is about up. I have four days of work this week, my last day is Thursday, and I leave for Florida that night. THANK GOD. I just need to get through FOUR DAYS. While the stress of breaking up and getting back together and that emotional rollercoaster of the last two months has caused me to gain weight, I will enjoy my bikini anyway. When I get back I will shortly start my new job. Where I will meet LOTS of guys who will want nothing other than to date me. I will be busy having a career and I'm not sure I'll have time for them anyway.

And I will never think about J EVER AGAIN. Because today I'm angry and I dont give a damn what kind of problems he has, his chances are up.

Tick tick tick on the watch

Last night I had a less than stellar dream. It probably stems from a comment my mom made when we were talking about some guy she wanted me to meet (ugh). I asked how old he was, and I commented that he must be 26 or 27 based on the guys I know he hangs out with. She says she doesn't think he's that old (not that I consider that old for guys I'm trying to date - in fact that's almost young), then she says, "oh well, I forgot how old you're getting... maybe you're right."  FML. I know I shouldn't freak about getting older... but I'm starting to get to the age where I thought my life would be coming together slightly more than it is. I thought I'd have a good, solid relationship that I could see going somewhere...not by 24 but by 25ish. And not that time is "running out" but it's flying by recently and I'm afraid I'm going to blink and be there and be single forever. I KNOW my friends reading this think I'm nuts, but seriously time goes sooo fast...and as much as I love my cat, I really don't want to end up a cat lady. So, that brings me to my dream: I had a baby. A girl. The baby was young, most likely only a couple of weeks old. The guy I'm with, I couldn't tell if we were married or not (ugh) tells me he's leaving me. I go after him. I leave my baby in the middle of the night. Someone comes after us and I realize I am a desperate woman and delinquent mother for leaving my precious baby.

Basically I know I have to move on from J instead of dwelling and telling myself I care about him in his time of need. I care but I care more about myself and don't need to waste precious months of my life that could be spent getting over him and meeting someone who doesn't leave me waiting around until they pull their life together. Realistically he could've said hey I have problems, I'm being open with you and need your support. So time to take off the rose colored glasses and say fuck you.

And yes, after a few beers last night and a J phone call earlier in the night, I felt the need to text. I hate him for doing this.

Counting to 10

I'm glad I can blame my raging hormones for the rollercoaster I'm on today.
1. Thanks Mother Nature for delivering my monthly gift 4 days early. Not like I had any hope of getting any because I don't have a boyfriend anymore and who has sex with their ex who breaks up with them to deal with addiction problems? Nope, not me.
2. The bitches at work. You're ugly. You're dumb. You're at a tradeshow in Tampa and may ACTUALLY have to do your job instead of going to the beach. Excuse me there's limited things I can do from NJ. No need to hang up on me you ugly bitch.
3. I got my belly button pierced during lunch. I have no money. I will be without income for a week, and once I start the new job I only get paid bi-weekly. I have to pay my car payment and buy bus and subway passes for May. I am going to Florida next week. At least I will look better in my bikini- I won't be able to afford to eat so I'll also get thinner. Impulsive?
4. Texts with J. I hate myself because I'm having a bad day and I just want to lay in bed with him. I hate myself for that. And I hate it even more that it won't happen and I have to be an adult and learn to cope with my rollercoaster on my own.
5. I have no plans for the entire weekend. I can't make plans because I don't have money. I haven't had to worry about money since I started working. I did whatever I wanted. I don't like not having money.

It Is What It Is (and that's a pretty good Lifehouse song, whose album is actually decent)

Things have been good, calm. It is what it is - that's really a precise way to put it. Like I said, J wrote back and was happy. We left things (well, not sure anything's been left) on a good note. I think I communicated that while I'm not running in the other direction, I'm not running in his direction either. I'm here if he wants support or a friend (yikes?) but I'm not chasing someone who clearly isn't in the position to be chased whether he wants to be chased or not - which I'm not really sure. I know he has feelings for me, but that's not enough. Whatever. So anyways, since The TALK Monday night and a couple short emails I hadn't spoken to him all week. I did a good job accepting the situation and didn't even THINK about driving by his apartment to see if a random car was there or if his car was there or anything. I actually trusted when he said it's not about other people, it's about him. Go me! I'm not completely unhinged after all. 


I'm happy to report I have been sober for THREE WHOLE DAYS. hahahha No seriously, not even a glass of wine - I even ran five miles Wednesday night. I was planning to run and lift last night, but then I got a random text from Kyle around 5pm. We've spoken but we haven't really seen each other (besides the gym) in weeks - but again, things were left on decent terms. The text said that he knew it was last minute, but would I be interested in going to the Devils game (game 5- do or die, they were down in the series 3-1). His male BFF was supposed to go but bailed. Kyle is hardcore Devils fan, I am not - the only hockey game I've probably only watched one hockey game in its entirety and that was the game he brought me to at which J saw me. Who's proud of me for going to a sporting event and not having a beer? (I love beer.) Now if I were following the Argov rules, I never would accept a last minute date - but since I wasn't even sure it was a date and I really wanted to go because I  love intense games, I said hell yes. I seriously didn't know it was a date. It didn't really feel like one, he didn't try to hold my hand or anything and he put his arm around my seat but not my shoulders. Throughout the night I realized that while I can't see it going anywhere, I do enjoy his company. He's funny and talks about ALL the wrong stuff - from partying and drinking to his ex-girlfriend (I got the FULL run down, which was really funny but if I were into him I would be thinking huge WTF!). The thought that J would NEVER bring this stuff up because he knows better and is more mature only crossed my mind like, twice, tops. This all contributed to my confusion about whether or not it was a date. He let me pay for parking- $30, he fought about it but I insisted - I had to since I didn't know if it was a date. I did offer $ for the ticket and he said no way. (Thank God.) I think if I had thought he was considering it a real date, I would've enjoyed myself a lot less. I guess there was no pressure so I could relax. In the past I felt there were hopes and expectations on his part - but I think since I sort've blew him off before he's not as hopeful. Sounds mean but it's not. So at the end of the night I'm nervous... a good night kiss? (A completely sober good night kiss - ahhh.) At first I walk to my car (I had drove to his house, he drove to the game) and we do a hug and kiss on the cheek and I say thanks, but then he stands with his back toward my car door semi in front of it. I'm thinking, oh god... what now. Then we do the awkward small talk. Finally I tell him I'm cold and I'm gonna get going, had a really good time, thanks (I really did too!) and he BAM goes in for it! At first it was a little awk because he half missed my mouth, but then I thought, HEY THIS IS NOT THAT HORRENDOUS!  He smelt nice. It was a decent 10 second kiss. When I got into my car I found myself smiling....which made me think of the last time this happened. The last time I went to a Devils game and the last time he kissed me and I got into my car. The last time I immediately felt UGH and the urge to text J. This time I felt okay, content. Kyle doesn't give me butterflies or anything like that, I can't see myself with him, but he's nice to be around. 


I'm laying in bed last night and realize I hadn't heard anything from J all day. Nothing. 1st day of complete no-contact. I was kind've sad but I knew this is something I have to get used to, and it will get easier. I pictured him laying in bed watching Sportscenter and highlights of the NFL draft. He kind've smiles when he sleeps I noticed. Or maybe he's not really sleeping, maybe he knows I'm looking at him and that's why he does it. We used to play the game where we'd get in bed and watch TV and wait each other out to see who would make the first move. I'm not sure why we did that, both of us knew exactly what the deal was. We'd both end up half asleep and waiting. (This is obviously not conducive to waking up early for work.) Wow, digression. 


My alarm goes off this morning and I have a text from him around 1am:  "I went to the bathroom and stabbed my foot with your earring lol" ..... I used to tear my earrings off and throw them next to his bed. I also leave a trail of bobby pins wherever I go, I noticed he started a collection on his dresser... when I left Monday I didn't take them. I don't know why, I just left them there. While I'm trying to give up over-analyzing along with my daily wine consumption, what would possess him to text me that at 1am? That text is like an "us" thing. It has to do with our routine. This is how guys pull you back in. Or maybe it takes a stabbing in the foot to get him to text me? Ugh........... This also means he's confident it's mine, although I don't remember leaving any earrings there. Could this mean he's just digging for an excuse to text me? Why at 1am? 


I've been informed that they have hired a replacement and I have to train her next week. This completely screws up my procrastination for my last days of work. Now I have to clean out my desk because I'm assuming she will be sitting at it, and I know how fun it is to come in to your new job and have your own desk! And I also have to file my two years worth of paperwork, and write training documents. Yay. 

The TALK was indeed monumental

So- the talk. Ok, I knew it was going to be the official break up talk... that's not really the correct way to put it, but I'm not sure how to explain it. I go out with Unlovable before and have a beer, shoot the shit. Since he was not intoxicated he was good and wished me luck. Call Josh, he says I'm just jumpin in the shower right now but come over. Leaves the door open. I go in and he's in the shower. His couch is kind've awkward, and he's in the shower, so I lay on his bed waiting... I guess to break the awkwardness, if you act comfortable maybe it will be comfortable? Not like, "hey came over so we could break up, let's act like strangers." He walked and smiled.

Then over what felt like both an eternity and fleeting moment, we had a monumental conversation. It was the most honest conversation we've had...maybe ever? He completely opened up to me and admitted to flaws that were very difficult. Although he'll never read this and no one knows him or me really, I sort've think twice about even writing about it because I know it was so personal for him. He basically said he's not happy with himself, drinks too much and has been poppin painkillers. I knew he drank too much and we had discussed that before. Painkillers I knew little of. I know why he has some but that's it. I knew he wasn't happy, but I didn't know the extent. I know firsthand when you're not happy with yourself, you're not happy with anyone else either. You're not yourself. That's what I just went through, January-ish. I was feeling like crap for various reasons, and while I was dating J (time for initials) I took it out on him because I began to rely too much on him to make me happy. You have to make yourself happy or you'll never be happy. I had to pull it together. Thankfully with the new job and what not things are looking better for me which helps. But I felt like I was stuck where I was in a rut and it was not how I pictured my adult life to be. He recently went through some stuff, so I can understand how he feels like this, although he has a lot going for him. I think his BFF is a bad influence on him- he's old (like late 30s and still lives like a frat boy), has a shitty long on again off again relationship, drinks a lot, and he's just not a grown up... but I'm not gonna blame him, but it's probably not great he spends a lot of time with the guy. I like him, he's just not what J should turn out like. Anyway, so he basically pours his heart out. He's a private guy, he's a strong guy, he doesn't do this. Emotional stuff. His eyes got all red. I of course cried, because that's what I do. Too many emotions all at once. My initial reaction was that I just can't talk to him anymore, because that's what I had been preparing myself for. I know no matter what, I can't fix him, he needs to do it on his own. I'm not a therapist, I've tried to play that role before and it doesn't work for anyone and is damaging to myself. I felt confused and sad for him and sad for myself that this was it and I'll never see this guy again. I kept telling myself to just look at him and take everything in because this was it. I told him I thought he was seeing other girls, not this. He said I always told you it wasn't about anyone else, this just hasn't been easy for me to say, and I knew I could lose you. Now I understand why this was a talk that didn't just happen and why it had to happen. I kept telling him that I'd miss him, he said he'd miss me too. I said we're losing each other, he said we're not. He said he didn't want to drag me down, I understood.

Looking back on it, I know why I reacted the way I did, but I wish I would've been more...gentle? about it. How I reacted wasn't wrong, but it wasn't understanding either... but I guess I wasn't in the place to be understanding because I had been preparing myself for a fight and to find out he was talking to other people or something. I had been convincing myself that I was over it. Then he pours it out, and he's him again, and he's putting himself completely out there, disclosing deep, personal issues just to be honest with me. He wanted me to know. He could've easily said, "I'm not in the place to date someone, sorry." Would've been the same message. Instead he was completely vulnerable. Admitting flaws is never easy, especially when it's something like alcoholism or being depressed. I could've been more supportive, because he hasn't fucked me over, it was just hard for him to talk about. Now I get it. And really, he wouldn't have been that honest if he didn't have deep feelings for me. I don't even admit when I'm wrong about dumb stuff, let alone huge things wrong with myself. Now I feel silly thinking he's wrapped up in other girls when in reality he's wrapped up in not feeling good about himself. I know how shitty that is.

So late yesterday I emailed him a short message, after realizing I was not very receptive or understanding. I just thanked him for being so honest, expressed that I still care and I'm here if he needs me, and wish we met at a better time for both of us. It was thoughtful and to the point. Today he emails me back thanking me too and yada yada.... I actually didn't even expect him to write back, so that was surprising.

And maybe this is really weird and doesn't make sense, but all of a sudden today I'm filled with a complete sense of being content. (That was after crying on the way to work, hehe.) That eventually things will fall into place. Maybe I'm just still flyin high, but it's a really weird feeling. I can't really miss him because he's not him right now, at least not all the time. And I really really understand that because I didn't feel or act like myself at all for a while when I was going through stuff. Honestly though, that talk made me realize exactly what I like about him. Everyone can talk shit and act like he's a big ass and player, but they don't know him like I do. He didn't open up to them. He really does mean well and he's such a good guy, he just has issues. Everyone has issues, some worse than others. I'm not going to "wait around" or try to "fix him," he needs to do that. Whatever happens, happens. A lot of what's gone on makes complete sense now. It's sad it took so long to communicate, but now I know why it did. Maybe I would be less understanding if I hadn't just gone through some of the same stuff.

God, all these feelings are a bit much for me. Maybe I should try to be more understanding and less quick to anger a little more often. You never know what you'll experience when you're not constantly on the defensive. A lot of people will let you down, but I guess not everyone will, at least not all the time.

Putting in 2 weeks notice is like a free pass to surf the web all day apparently.

So who knows now. I wish I were starting my new job sooner, or that I was leaving for FL this Thursday instead of next.

Girls Are Crazy

Before I blog about "The TALK," I want to address one thing: How-Crazy-Girls-Are.

Okay, I will be the first one to admit I am a tad off my rocker, but I like to think I'm still sane in most regards. I'm just growing up and maturing, and if I want to blog about it I will. It helps me work through my thoughts and makes sharing information with select friends who know of this blog easier than repeating the same stuff 5x. No one else personally knows who I am, so it's fine.

I think it's really weird when you post personal comments and things all over the internet. From weird articles to Facebook groups. TMI. No one cares that you "pretend its the FORCE when using automatic car unlocker things" to "when I was younger I made soup out of my ice cream." When you Google your name and 4 pages of results show up pertaining to you, you are oversharing. Friending family members of guys you are not in a relationship with is weird. As well as then commenting on their shit. Stalker weird.

"The TALK" - Take 6

I was so good, I held out and didn't text Josh. So proud of myself. This morning I decided if I didn't hear from him by 2 I'd text him, because honestly how long can the Limbo drag on? He texted me around 11, - SCORE ONE FOR THE DOORMAT WHO'S SLOWLY MOVING UP..about "talking." Isn't it weird when you have to schedule to talk to someone? Why couldn't we just have talked? I know he was away and what not, but if we're just going to break up at this point I think it could've been done over the phone. Like what's the point, we're going to keep the last break up classy? Please. 


That said, now I have to figure out what exactly I'm going to say during "The TALK." Last week if you had asked me, I would've been prepared for what to say. After a week of Limbo, I'm not sure I have the same things to say. It would be great if I didn't have to question or not know what the heck was going on any random day. I would be okay with dating without a title and just dating except I now question everything because one week he wants to be with me, and the next he doesn't (or at least that's the vibe I'm getting??), and I have whiplash. 

I’m about to start a new job in a new city (THE CITY) and my dating choices are going to be ginormous. My industry will be filled to the brim with people my own age and I’ll be forced to socialize with them. I definitely don’t want to date any of them either. I want to be known as the mysterious single girl who doesn’t date anyone- and they can think perhaps because none of them are good enough to date me. That’s cocky. I take that back. Not that they’re not good enough, but maybe that I don’t settle for the regular BS regular guys pull. You need to really wow me, because I have too much going on and too much going for to waste my valuable time on Joe Shmoe.

Josh made me REALLY HAPPY. Like, more likely happy than I’ve been in recent years. Why? Because it was effortless and easy and I never once questioned how he felt about me and I always felt secure and happy and he was reliable. He was funny. He made me laugh. I knew he went out of his way to make me happy. He wanted to make me happy. He disclosed important things to me. We talked openly about personal issues. I felt okay sharing things with him I don't normally share. I opened myself up - which I NEVER do. I honestly felt like I wanted to be a better person because he made me feel like it was okay to trust people and the risk was worth it. I felt he was supportive and wanted the best for me. I liked how he knew who he was, he's confident but not cocky. I liked that he showed me the real Josh and not the Josh everything thinks he is. I liked that he was ambitious but not one of those guys who are easily impressed by money. I really liked his smile...in particular the goofy smile he sometimes got when he would stare at me and shake his head like "how'd I get to be so fucking lucky." Now that is not Josh. Now I never know anything and I feel clueless as to how he feels. Yeah he wanted to get back together...and 3 minutes later I had a bomb dropped when I found out about the other girl. No, we weren’t together, but the timing sure was close. I just wasn't expecting it and it threw me for a loop. I know I was seeing other people, but I didn't actually SLEEP with any of them. We waited to have sex, and then he just slept with someone else. And those those pictures... Ugh. He certainly didn’t go out of his way to make me feel okay about it. It kind’ve was just expected I’d drop it and get over it. Sometimes things like that are hard to drop. Like, hey baby I just told you I want to be with you and only you, let's forget who I was with last weekend! 

Obviously these are things we should've just talked about, but instead we've been in Limbo for over a week and have to schedule talking. I've had crap going on too, I get it, but the fact it's lingered so long says what about things? 

"The TALK" shall happen after the gym tonight. I will act like I had been out to dinner instead. He doesn't need to know with who... this will explain why I am dressed with makeup on and my hair done, to most likely end it for good. I need to be on my game for this. Walk out and never look back. I'll have to delete him from my Facebook friends for my own sanity; he'll understand. 

2 months today since we broke up the 1st time - what an appropriate day. 

Ups and downs

This weekend was interesting. Tattoos, beers (giving up booze lasted until about 9:30 pm Friday night after the ink session with my sister), baby shower, shopping, smoking. Not all that typical actually, but not bad. Tried to keep myself distracted from focusing on my lack of being at a wedding with Josh, it worked decently well until today.

Haven't heard from him. I can try to not care and act like it's normal, and I guess it really is, but I can't fool myself. It hurts. I haven't contacted him either. He was at the celebrity wedding, not me. I was in NJ getting inked drinking beers with my mom. Seriously, sometimes I don't know if opening yourself up is worth it. I thought it was for a while and I focused on the warm and fuzzy feelings, but I gotta say life were a ton easier when I didn't let anyone inside. I didn't care when I didn't get a text or call. I don't know when I'll be willing to do it all again- I don't think for a while. Icebox is making a return. It's so much easier.

I was doing really well not caring until today. I guess baby showers will do that to you- when you realize you'll never even have a bridal shower let alone a baby shower. (Not that I'm entirely convinced I even want kids, but that's not the point.) I was debating about giving a "how was the super pimp wedding" text, but decided against it. What's the point? There is none. A doormat would've texted that. While I don't feel like anyone's Dream Girl, I should at least practice the behavior.

It's kind've mysterious how you can have everything you've wanted in a person, and then it's just gone. I know like no relationships ever work out, but isn't that such a mind fuck? Like, hey we were great together but now we're not so lets go on and try to find someone who's greater, and who will be great forever? Forever doesn't exist to me. Show me a relationship thats been great forever and then we can talk. What I love is when people are like, "you shouldn't have issues so early in a relationship." Well honestly, maybe they aren't issues. Maybe I'm just more honest than the average person because I've grown up seeing so much acting- pretending everything is fine when it's not. Maybe I like to point shit out more than most people. Does that make me fucked up? Will I never have a lovey dovey relationship? I don't believe in the "Honeymoon" stage- life is never a Honeymoon, why would a relationship be one at any point?

I've been trying to fill the void (I don't feel a void but there has to be some reason I keep shoving my face with calories) with Doritos which has to stop. Sounds like everything I said Friday but I really have to try and pull it together this week. I'm hitting the gym hardcore - I've noticed my middle getting thicker which is freaking scary. I have my routine where I get out of bed in the morning, walk over two feet to my mirror, lift up my shirt and inspect my gut. Normally it's on the flatter side in the morning, so I feel decent. From my shoveling to fill the void this week I can see it getting a tad flabbier and I'm not just saying that. Must stop. When my bf from college gave me the heartbreak of my life to date (age 21) I was able to lose 15 pounds. In a way I wish Josh would've been real direct about breaking up, saying something really honest in that mean way, and I would've been able to kick start some weight loss. Instead it's this Limbo crap which makes me hungry for love in the form of peanut butter, Doritos, beer and wine.

Some guys from college gave me the old "Hey we're out, come meet us!" text Saturday night around 11:30- while I was eating peanut butter cookies, drinking homemade margaritas and watching Knocked Up. They're really more friends with my male BFF- but why couldn't they have texted me earlier? I know the one kid who was texting me has a gf and IDK what that's supposed to mean- but it would've been a nice distraction regardless of their motives.

Perhaps I'm PMSing?

Or maybe it's just my crippling hangover. I bought "It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken" yesterday. They advised to lay off the martinis and cosmos after a while. I think it's time to stop drowning my sorrows as well, even if they're masked as "going out with friends," "celebrating" and "having fun." I'm getting fat. This is an issue because I can wear jeans to my new job, and with my low income I can't afford to buy larger clothes, so losing weight is not really a choice right now. The issue is my post-college clothes also coincide with my break up with my on and off again college boyfriend which resulted in extreme gymming and personal training... So I either have to give up eating or drinking- and I love to eat. Drowning my sorrows only leads me to make bad texting decisions, do things I regret, etc... Okay I won't drink until my vacation in two weeks. I also need to depuff to fit into a bikini and not be embarrassed.

Mom wants to come with me to get inked. I texted her, "getting a tattoo tonight." She didn't say, "you'll regret it," she said, "who you goin with?" Niiice.

I saw Kyle at the gym last night and returned his hoodie he had lent me to wear home after our clubbing night. We talked about my jobs, BSed...it was actually good to talk to him. He's a nice guy. I apologized for being MIA (aka being shady and ignoring him) and said I had a lot going on- legit when you say you just got offered two jobs. He said it was all good and didn't appear to hold any grudges. That was cool.

I also would like to comment on Unlovable last night. He's a nice guy, a good friend, I know he cares about me as a friend- I just wish he wouldn't try to get me to date him. He kept calling me after I dropped him off...as I lay in bed in Josh's sweatshirt. Just stop. I ignored his calls and he texted me, "I'll leave you alone, I get it." Well why didn't you get it when you asked me to come in and I said no? Even if I weren't wrapped up in Josh, I wouldn't. He tries to make out with me all the time too. He has a girlfriend. I don't count making out as anything serious and I'm not the one in a relationship. He tells me he likes his girlfriend, she just tries to rush things. Sounds familiar- glad I'm not the only one. Every guy I've dated has told me this.

Rings like this to bobblehead blonde starlets (thanks for the term Amy) make me angry:

http://hollywoodcrush.mtv.com/2010/02/24/hilary-duffs-giant-engagement-ring-details-emerge/

because I will never have one.

I guess I should work now. I'm going to miss being able to blog at work.

Phones should come with breathalyzers

First- someone really should've brought in bagels today. Today is a day I need a freaking carbolicious bagel. Instead I'm reduced to a Honey & Oats Nature Valley bar from the vending machine. Second- I put in my two weeks and now have to wrap crap up which sucks- I don't want to file paperwork and write training documents and have meetings.

Last night started off great. In a brief series of texts with Josh, it was communicated that:
Me: should be "clear with each so neither of us are disrespectful towards each other." (Wow, go me.)
J: OH babe I totally agree I would never disrespect you! (haha, okay Josh.) Since I'll be gone at a wedding I had previously invited you to months ago, which is BTW an NFL captain's wedding I had played college football with and the wedding is going to be Pimp-My-Wedding ridiculous, let's talk when I get back.
Me: Yeah, sometime next week I'll fit it into my very busy schedule. Have a good weekend. Thanks for not looking for my contacts I lost in your couch so I've been reduced to wearing sexy librarian glasses all week!

That would've been so sweet to leave it like that. Fast forward say 4 hours, 3 vodka clubs and a car bomb with Unlovable later...

Me: hiii!
J: heyyyy
Me: Whatcha doing!
J: @ my sisters (the sister who's house you had Christmas @, with my family, before we went to your house for Christmas with your family because that's what real couples who care about each other do! the sister who's kid's bday party you went to. the sister who we visited and stopped at some store and the guy asked us when we were getting married and we both laughed, because people asked us that all the time. yea, that sister)

So let's summarize because quite frankly it makes me cringe: I acted like a moron and might've highlighted the differences between dating exclusively and being in a committed relationship (Thanks Steve Ward).

I'm gonna delete him. If and whenever we talk, I'm going to tell him that it was a great few months, and the last few months have not been great, and I have other, more positive places to focus my energy and I don't see the point of dragging this out anymore. I don't need to be married, or even engaged, but if I'm dating someone it has to at least have potential. I won't say that, because things like that are caging and indicate I've previously thought of him like that, and I won't give him that satisfaction. And I'm not going to do the friends with benefits thing- I have enough friends, and if I want benefits I'd rather have non-baggage benefits with someone else. I'm going to say I think it's for the best we both move on completely, so please do not contact me. I will leave out the part that he shouldn't contact me because then I'll have his number again after I delete it. Hey, this kind've reminds me of the chat we had about three weeks ago. I'm not having this chat again in another few weeks.

I've also decided I'm getting my 2nd tattoo tonight. Nothing to help you move on like permanantly inking your body.

My head hurts.

Big risks hopefully bring big rewards

Well, through my adventures in dating, particularly Josh, I've learned sometimes you have to lose control a little bit...risk a lot in order to gain a lot. I've also learned this is the way you can get pummeled, but that's what a risk is, and sometimes the journey is somewhat worth the crash at the end.

Which leads me to announce my career change- my venture into advertising. Cons: Less money, crappy hours, much longer commute. Pros: Potential for more money later, better experience, learn a lot and therefore be more marketable later even if I decide it's not for me, meeting lots of new people professionally and socially! It's time to venture out of my comfort zone and take a chance. Realistically even with my promotion from my current employer, I wouldn't be able to move out comfortably and live how I'd like to live. I think even if I took the promotion at my job, I'd be bored and unsatisfied. In the new job I'll be super busy and on the go. And let's face it- my idle mind is not a good thing. I think being busier and having more going on and a more legit career will help me out not only professionally but socially/romantically, and for that I will be poor. I put in my two weeks notice this morning. My boss took it decently well considering she now has a one person department, and that one person is herself.

So I've been toying with the idea of nixing the bitch plan with Josh and just cutting him out cold turkey - well after I somehow get rid of his crap that I have, because I don't want him contacting me about it and don't want it in my possession either. Why? Because I'm not sure the game is even worth it anymore, I'm not sure how fun it all is. So while I haven't been able to decide what to do- play the bitch and ignore him/cut him out, he's crawled back in. Nothing substantial or to write home about, but asking me about my job stuff. Asked me what I decided and congratulated me. I said thanks and that's it. He's leaving tomorrow for an out-of-state wedding (let's forget about the fact he told me about this wedding months and months ago) for the weekend. When he reminded me about it last week, I was like oh cool have fun! Gag. I mean not that I thought I was going since we broke up um almost two months ago now, but still. I also have a feeling that girl he saw in between is somehow still around, although I have no way of knowing at this point, and I can't ask because I'll look bad. I do think my contacts I want back are at his place but I feel like if I ask it looks like I'm just digging for an excuse to see him before he leaves, and I don't care. He could've said "Let's celebrate the fact you got two job offers!" but he hasn't. So tonight I am going out with Unlovable to celebrate. I guess it's kind've nice he loves me in his f*cked up way, despite having a girlfriend and despite the fact I don't love him. I guess the whole thing is just on my nerves already because he wants to call all the shots. Two weeks ago we had the we're back together talk, 1 week later we had a fight and it wasn't like okay we're done but it definitely wasn't like hey we're definitey together! And we haven't talked about it...I am not going to be the one who says, "hey let's talk about what we are and what we're doing for the 200th time in a month." The fight was dumb too. I don't want to do the casual dating thing with him anymore. If I'm gonna see other people I JUST want to see other people and don't want to see him anymore, at all. There's a difference between exclusively seeing someone and being in a full-on committed relationship, according to Stephen Ward from Tough Love anyway. I agree. I don't need the full-on at this point, it would be premature, but I'm not competing/sharing with anyone else - of myself or of him. I think that's kind've slutty anyway.

You wanna play? Batter up!

In non-boys (because obviously I don't know any men) news- I had a monumental day yesterday. Not one but TWO job offers. That's actually more legitimate jobs offers than I've received in my entire life. haha And on the same day? My boss approaches me 11am about a promotion, with an ok pay increase and they'd replace me. 6pm the phone call comes from the company in NYC I interviewed with last week. That would be a transition to a new industry, and it's entry level...and the pay is absolutely horrendous. Horrendous as in I'll be living with my parents for another 3 years at least, and I'll have about $200 to my name after monthly bills, commuting, car payment, etc. So, about one night out a month if I don't plan to eat either. Upside- it's cool and hip and young and I could possibly make a lot of money long term. Upside of staying at my current job- they will tailor it around what I want to do, its more money, it's close and convenient. I think I've decided to take the promotion. If I take the switch it's a chance I could make bank in 5 years, but the rate I'm going I might drive myself nuts by then so what would be the point of slaving for pennies?.... I have until tomorrow to officially decide.

Let me tell you, do 2 job offers in 1 day do wonders for your swagger level!! So let me fess up, I have been seeing Josh. Surprise! We kind've had like this huge emotional, dramatic reunion about two weeks ago. So everything was all honeymoon for a week. We've both had stuff going on this week. During the reunion I found out about the slut - aka who he had been out with when he was texting me all night who is clearly not "just a friend." He told me he would cut her out of the equation- I told him if he wanted to see me again, that's what he had to do. I plan on investigating his phone sometime soon after lights out. I don't care if this is wrong, psycho, nuts, that I shouldn't have to do this. I NEED TO KNOW. I've realized I don't care all that much which way this goes at this point (but I don't want to get played out either). It's fun when we're together but it's not like it was the first time... and we agreed it shouldn't be, that we rushed and need to take it all slower and not consume each other. In the past though I got used to the way he semi-smothered me, so now that he's not it's kind've weird.

So now that I have his attention, I think this is the opportune time to put the Argov Principles into affect. Think like a man, act like a confident woman, be smart. Dumb like a fox. Not easily accessible. Hot and cold (or luke warm).

I have enough going on anyway. Two job offers I'll need to celebrate. I'm a smart, attractive woman I don't need to chase after a guy to feel good.

Why Caring Less in Dating Works - For me

Because it's not about caring less, it's about having less invested. The less you have emotionally invested, the less you have to lose. The less you have emotionally invested, the more you have for yourself. Being greedy is the way to go. I think maybe I'm not mature enough to have enough to care for myself and for someone else at the same time, yet. I'm not a good juggler. I knew I shouldn't have kids. It just f*cks you up. Is it sick that while I like being in a relationship, I always find it extremely difficult? I even find some friendships difficult and have been known to cut all ties, cold turkey. Perhaps I'm just still very selfish. I don't have enough feelings to go around. So when I care less for them, I care more for me, which works for me. Therefore I'm f*cked when I actually care about someone else. Basically I can't win. Makes sense.

A couple months went to a Switchfoot concert, free tix, and someone (aka Josh, sign) had to tell me they're a Christian rockband. I thought they were singing about love, not about God. Anyway, they keep coming up on my Safetysuit station on Pandora and I'm really digging their "Your Love is a Song." Check it out.

Wait, guys can spot the "games" ??

In WMLB/WMMB, the various "games" men play are outlined- they push your buttons to draw a reaction. They want you to react emotionally because it shows you care, which gives them power and can also make them lose interest in you. Weird since men are looking for feelings in women supposedly, but I guess they don't want someone irrational who lacks control over their emotions (whoops facial expressions that give my entire mind away).

Digressing slightly, last night I was out to dinner/drinks with the exclusive, and obviously the check came and he reached for his wallet. I said, "hey I'll get the tip." He said, "okay if you want." UMM WHAT!!! Argov clearly states that a man would never thinkkkkkk of letting his DREAM GIRL pay! Yes it was only the tip, but still. I almost fell out of my chair. I'm sure it was written all over my face- WTF is going on! I am a DREAM GIRL! He ended up paying the tip anyway, I didn't have change. But still. I'll try not to overanalyze that for three days.

So anyway, he's texting me today and I'm being a little coy:
Me: if you're lucky...
The man: oh you're playing tough huh?
Me: im not playin babe i just am
The Man: two can play at that game

GAME? PLAYING? Hang on....


Sorry I had to pick up my eyes that just rolled out of my head. Earlier in the week I also said I had plans one night, and he did the exact same thing the next night although he then changed plans so they included me. CLEARLY doing exactly what I'm trying to do.

Why do we need to do this show and dance? Is this what dating is? If so, I don't know, the cat lady life is looking good.

Male friends?

Okay, hypothetically speaking (or not), you're newly exclusive with a guy. You've had "the talk" = I want to see only you, mutual agreement. This implies that you don't want to see anyone else. Doesn't this mean ROMANTICALLY? I mean, I think it's safe to say both parties have friends of the opposite sex - although I guess this can be a heated debate. When you first establish exclusivity, isn't it also understood that you're not getting married and there is no ring on your finger and you're still supposed to have your own life, so it should be okay to still hang out with friends (of the opposite sex)? Specifically to drink beers while watching a baseball game, with Unlovable? My GF who abruptly (great masculine communication!) signed off expressed disdain at this game plan.

I don't have work tomorrow because I have my interview in the afternoon, so I'd have to feign illness half way through the day if I came in...and I don't find that all too believable when it's supposed to be 85 degrees out, so I might as well just call out the whole day and enjoy my night/not stress all morning. I'm running low on time off especially with my vacay planned at the end of the month, but hopefully it won't matter because I'll have a brand new job anyway! So moral of the story, I'd like to have a fun night. I mean, I could always meet up with Mr. Exclusive later in the evening!

Oh gosh, he just calls and says he's going in early tomorrow! Totally ruins my plans! Oh well. No good luck fun I guess.

Men Are About Feelings?

Wow, love my man Evan Marc Katz's blog post today, "Why Do Men Who Seem Like Promising Prospects End Up Breaking Up With Me?"

Makes sense, I mean, I haven't been the most doting, feminine, comforting, selfless woman around. I blame this on the fact I'm a twin and stole my brother's testosterone in the womb (is it ironic he is not heterosexual?!), and therefore tend to demonstrate more masculine qualities and being "feminine" does not come all that naturally to me. Not to say I'm a sports freak manly girl; I love pink, make up, dressing nice, and all that nice stuff. And in other ways I'm really typically "feminine" - like my over emotional, over analytical thought process. In the way I communicate though and deal with relationship issues, not feminine. I'm rather abrupt (so I've been told, I think it's more BLUNT?) and get angry before I get upset. I sometimes expect the other person to magically know what's on my mind and have a hard time communicating complex/deep feelings or issues. I don't have lots of close female friends and I find it a lot easier to maintain relationships (platonic) with men. I have a handful of good girlfriends and the ones I do have are awesome. I did my sorority time which was cut off after a year when I realized I can't handle the BS of girls in large quantities. Now when it comes to men, unless I wanna be a cat lady, maybe I should try to soften up. Apparently the long blonde hair, full-time job, sense of humor, love of football, make up and worked out pecs aren't enough to keep them around?? I need to be LOVING and appeal to their FEELINGS?!

Quality time with mom

I'd like to dedicate this post to my mother. She is awesome, despite the fact we have polar personalities.

Why Mom is awesome: I like making "awesome lists,"...actually I like making lists out of

everything, probably stems from my need to define and analye all aspects of my life.

1. I can tell her everything. Such as this morning's text at 8:35 AM: Fun fact: I lost my virginity on a Good Friday. (So much for all those years of catholic school.) She knows who I've dated that was good and who was not, who was "blessed" and who needs a few lessons. Nothing shocks mom; mostly she just shakes her head.

2. She does not judge. Poor decisions, good decisions, she stands by my decisions because they are mine. She understands I need to make poor decisions to grow as a person. While she may not agree with everything I do, I know she does not think poorly of me as a person and her love for me does not decrease.

3. She can wing-girl. Such as last night, when we grabbed a few drinks together at a "younger" bar. We chatted about things pertaining to items 1. & 2.; she commented it's a shame how many unattractive people there are in the world (and mom is not superficial); and checked out the boys with me.

4. She covers for me. Like a 6:30 AM text, "you should come home before the jaber wocky (aka my dad) rises from his slumber." Or when she kept my retarded ex a secret from my father for 6 months (when I wouldn't come home on the weekend). Thanks mom!

5. Although she hates shopping, she goes with me because I am an excellent shopper and she tries to act like it's not completely miserable for her.

6. I have a tattoo that includes "Mom" in pink with a heart. You don't tattoo names you aren't serious about. Okay, this doesnt make HER awesome but it is homage to her awesomeness so it's worth mentioning.

7. She texts throughout the day. We often send each other funny face picture messages just to say hi.

8. She knows I am one of the few people who understand her. She is not one of those gossipy women with lots of friends. She talks to me. She knows I have spent hundreds of dollars on self-help books and do things like write blogs analyzing my issues, and she takes what I have to say seriously. When I read her my favorite parts of WMMB, she pretended to listen and contemplate.

9. I also don't call her mom; it's a nickname of her name that no one else calls her. It's "our thing."

10. Shortly after the Josh breakup, we had a bottle or 3 of wine together. The jaber wocky was not home, so I climbed in their tempur-pedic with her. I asked her if she would live next door to me when I'm an old maid with lots of cats and we could "cuddle" like this. Her response, "Yeah, if I'm not dating anyone." I questioned, "What about dad?" Her reply, "Well, you know he doesn't take care of himself." (The jaber wocky is somewhat overweight with high blood pressure he ignores.) DOH.

I'm really thankful to have a kick-ass mother and felt like sharing. We had a really good bonding session last night discussing what I've learned from my Argov Education. She gets it. You'll get it too after my blog post tomorrow. It's gonna be long (as if I'm not wordy enough) because it has to be and I want to be able to dedicate the right amount of time to craft it.

I also got a call and email about a new exciting job opportunity, and while I love my boss I don't love my job so that's looking good. I keep playing phone tag with the woman in HR but hopefully I'll speak to her next week. Kyle has stopped with his texts and I think has gotten the picture! And tonight, out with my PIC (partner in crime). The weather is gorgeous, life is looking good.

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want. ~Margaret Young

Self growth, a fabulous thing

Where'd the week go?!

A LOT has transpired the past few days, not all of it my loyal readers will understand or like to hear. Since I am still not quite sure of details and frankly am not ready to divulge yet, I will spill the beans at a later date.

Kyle has been relentlessly persistent. I have yet to hear from him today, which is a good thing and a first for the week. He has asked me out twice this week already; first request was Sunday, then yesterday. Sunday was dinner this week, I didn't respond to the text. I didn't know what to say and then forgot. It's not easy to let someone down, I don't want to offend him. He's a nice guy, just not for me. Why settle! Yesterday was about going to an auto show. Not really my thing, so I said so. He said, "still tryin to get a second date out of you." I did not respond. Honestly, if you want a date call me so I can reject you over the phone rather than by cold, impersonal texts. And try asking me out not through impersonal texts. Technology ruined dating. In this case, I am not trying to "play hard to get," I am just not interested in dating. He has no long term potential. He spells things wrong, a lot.

Not sure if I mentioned this one ever, the "Young One;" he's actually six months older than me but this is young for someone I'd consider seeing/dating/talking to. Met him on the train to one of my St. Patty's parades. He's a state trooper. He's been texting and what not about getting together but he has weird work hours and days off. He's VERY attractive, well more attractive than the average Joe Shmo anyway. He texted Monday about doing something Wednesday/Thursday. Not sure why, but I told him no...well actually I told him I was sick, and at the time I wasn't feeling well, but it was a little bit of a stretch. He didn't respond anyway. I have a gut feeling he's not worth the effort so I'm gonna go with that. Oh well. Gotta go with the gut!

I've rounded out my Argov Education with the completion of "WHY MEN MARRY BITCHES." Way more beneficial than WMLB, at least for me. I'm pretty good at playing it cool when I first start dating someone, so this makes sense. I run into problems when feelings surface- maybe this is why I received the nickname having to do with ICE by a guy that tried to date me right after college. It makes sense that things normally go sour right around the same time in each of the few semi-legitimate relationships I've had: 3 months in when I get scared because I actually have feelings for someone and realize I could potentially have my heart trampled. Not sure why I have a crippling fear of rejection and someone walking away. With Josh it was different because I trusted him unlike the others, and he treated me like 20 times better. I still changed my own behavior though, and became doormat-like. I give too much power and focus on them instead of myself because I let myself believe they are the root of my happiness and I need to focus entirely on them because if I don't they will leave and I will get hurt. Who thinks like this? It's not conscious, and I'm glad I recognized the pattern at this point. Because really, who can respect a doormat? Who wants to be with someone they can't respect? I should have more respect for myself. I have a lot going for me and I reduce my self worth for no reason. Obviously reading this book has made me face the facts of my own shortcomings, and the fog is clearing surrounding certain situations. More on that later.

Moral of the story is that you need to read WHY MEN MARRY BITCHES, regardless of your marital status or if you even want to get married. It's not about getting some guy to propose, it's about being a strong person. Instead of "Attraction Principles" this book covers "Relationship Principles." It's like being invited into the mind of a man. I learned things that make sense, like how guys will push your buttons to size you up by how you respond, but that I never realized went on. It makes sense but actually reading it is different. I really cannot say enough about this book. I've read it and then reread parts of it and then read parts of it to my mother, who could also benefit from reading it unfortunately! I'll highlight my favs later, so stay tuned :)