"It's gonna hurt when your heart heals, but one way or another, it's going to be better in time."

Ugh, in a very weird mood today. Last night reinforced what I already knew: I'm not okay to date. Okay, for lack of a better word.

1. I'm obviously not "over" Josh, nor am I content with that situation.
2. I hate to date.
3. Feelings suck.

Had a good time with Kyle last night. There's nothing wrong with him. He was fun, he was attentive, he told me I looked nice (he's used to seeing me as a sweaty mess at the gym, he probably was astonished when I was wearing 4 in heels and a dress). He wasn't crazy. I could tell he was a little nervous at first. As the night went on he would say things in reference to the future- like the summer. There's so much I could say about that. WMLB would advise this is a huge NO being I guess you could consider it out first "date," but we have known each other. He texted me today saying he had a good time, blah blah blah. All the things as girls we're not supposed to do, but I won't judge. I don't think that's what's turning me off to him at all actually; it's pretty nice. On paper Kyle is a catch, he's actually even kind've cute although he has small lips, which is EHH in my book. (Picky?) But is the chemistry there? Am I not allowing the chemistry to be there because my heart is somewhere else?

I don't want to date. I was actually cursing myself on the way out the door last night because I don't want to date and I hate it and it just sucks and I wasn't excited. I want to date Josh, and Josh obviously doesn't want to date ME, even though we're technically "dating." I have not heard from him since Friday, that's not dating. He has no idea what I did all weekend and obviously isn't concerned. His BFF is taking his ex out tonight, so they won't be together... So where is he? He met someone else. Or he'd rather be alone than be with me. Sweet.

Took a long drive down to the shore earlier; listened to my Lady Antebellum CD and cried. I haven't cried in a while, it felt good. I'm coming to grips with the obvious- I need to move on from Josh. I can't do this. It hurts and it sucks and I don't deserve it. Why do I want someone who doesn't want me? When we broke up he said he felt why we weren't working out was situational- a lot of stress in both our lives. We rushed. ETC. So "slowing down" felt like it could be a solution, because he claimed he still wanted to see me and had feelings for me. Reality check: He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I thought I did as well, only I don't. This isn't me. I don't want it half assed, I want the whole ass. Honestly I feel like I never knew him because how he's acting is a 180 from who I thought he was.

This is my first heartbreak. I let my guard down for him, I believed him, I trusted him and didn't doubt that I couldn't- he didn't give me a reason that I couldn't. I liked who he was (or who I thought he was) and accepted the imperfections. I dated my ex for a hell of a lot longer, but I always knew in the back of my mind we weren't right for each other, my guard was up, I was not in love. So now I know what it feels like to have your heart crushed. I can't lie to myself and act like he cares, he doesn't show he does anymore therefore he doesnt. You can't casually date someone you love. I have to let it go. It was a feeling unlike anything I've ever experienced. This is corny as hell, but I felt like for the first time I knew what they were always talking about in retarded chick flick romantic movies. I'm going to fight the feeling that the whole thing meant nothing to him.