Weekend Recap

Ok, so Josh ends up seeing me at the Devils game with Kyle, because that's just my life. He texts me after we agree to stop talking. The texts continue on Saturday. Sexts, rather. Sunday, nothing. Until I stalk his Facebook and there is a pic of him and some girl tagged. Naturally my blood pressure skyrockets, even though I was aware he was with a girl Saturday as he was sexting, who he claimed was a "friend." Although I can't say much, he actually saw me with a "friend" Thursday. Talk about a FUBAR situation. He's officially deleted. Even from my call history. Today the photo is detagged. We haven't seen each other in two weeks. Good. It's done. We're not dating, we don't speak, not doing it.

Saw Kyle on Saturday (you know, while sexting Josh). We were supposed to mingle friends and watch the UFC fights, only his friends bailed so he joined my partner in crime (PIC) and I. When I realized we would be having more fun without Kyle, I also realized it's time to cut him. PIC also helped to evaluate, and I realized it's not there. It's not going anywhere, so why draw it out. I'll have the We're Better Off Friends chat so it's not awkward when I see him at the gym on a daily basis. He texted me Sunday, "lets get dinner this week." I didn't reply. I honestly didn't know what to say, then forgot. He texts me this morning. I say, hey crazy day sorry, and that's it. Ah, oh well.

Not that I will compare everyone to Josh, but Josh made me realize what it's like to actually be attracted to someone. That was a new thing for me, oddly. Can't really describe that, but with most guys they kind've grow on me because of their personality. I'm over that. I want the whole package- why waste time. I'm still young enough to be sort've picky.

Booked a vacay, 1 month from today. So I have a month to lose 10 pounds. That should keep me occupied enough... to stop dwelling on things I shouldn't dwell on.

I'm already over POF. It's so disorganized and the guys are mostly losers. I've received 50 "hey what's up" messages. Doesn't strike me into a verbal frenzy, and that's too time consuming. I have better things to do than wade through mediocre losers.

On a better note, I have purchased "Why Men Marry Bitches" to continue my Argov Education. I'm excited!

You DELETE someone from your phone, it means they will text you within 3 minutes.

Yesterday's communication (texting, ugh) with Josh and I did not go well. Once again I will say: social media ruined dating/relationships/causes unnecessary drama.

To sum it up: He stalked my Facebook and came to multiple (false) conclusions:

1. I was hanging out with some dude this week. Not true, my friend Darren is a jackass and posted something to make it look like I had been with him- but it was also ambiguous so I left it.)

2. I was attending yesterday's Devils game with my friend who he obviously thinks I have something going on with because he has brought this guy up repeatedly in odd ways. My friend lives with his girlfriend of over a year. There is nothing going on.

3. Something else, which I now forget. But he asked me something directly relating to something he did not know and therefore stalked.

To make a long story short, he basically is like "you only text me when it's convenient for you," wah wah wah. Hello WMLB principle: I have my own life and fit you in when it is convenient for me. Perhaps this doesn't apply when it's a completely f'ed situation and it's not casual dating (even though thats the pretense we had been under??)?? Yes he's been sick, but I have texted him this week asking how he was doing and he would either not respond or respond minimally. Sorry I'm not in a verbal frenzy after the fiasco earlier in the week. So we went back and forth, and I'm basically like, I am so confused why this is even being discussed because it's not true, and even if it were, we are not "together" because you didn't want to be, you wanted space, I'm giving you space. He's like, well IDK. Then he goes on to say, "as you said it's probably best if we just don't talk at all anymore." I said, "I didn't say it because it's necessarily what I want, but fine. I am not having this conversation via text message, we can talk in person." He says, Ok good idea. We talk about when we can meet up and he drops the bomb he's also going to the Devils game. SUHH-WEEET. At that point I told my boss I needed to leave work early because there was a possibility I would run into my ex during my Devils game date and she gave me her blessing. So Josh isn't available until Sunday because of work. I tell him okay have a good weekend, assuming we won't talk until Sunday. It's not like we've talked all week anyway really. I delete him from my phone- because he will eventually text me and I will recognize the number, and I won't have his number to contact him until then.

To be continued....

Casting My Line! Ahoy matey!

Taking the advice of my partner in crime, I joined Plentyoffish.com. I had seen okcupid.com before (I re-wrote my bro's profile, don't ask- in the process I created my own account to search for his) and my matches were less than stellar. POF looks kind've cheap, like you're scared to click around because you're not sure what's an ad that will infect your computer with a crazy virus. I'm getting the hang of it though. Wasted a solid 2 and a half hours of my life on it last night. But in the process, I did start talking to a pretty attractive guy who's 6'5" (heaven!) and some guy who lives pretty local that I don't think I'd be interested in but he sounds like he'd be fun to hang out with. And in those 2 and a half hours, I did not think about Josh!

On the way to work, text from Josh. JESUS CHRIST! Just when I woke up feeling good! Ugh, he was asking about something I had put on Facebook yesterday about my car. WHY DO YOU CARE? I waited a while and then responded and asked how he's feeling since he's been sick and would you guess what?! NO RESPONSE. I just don't care anymore. He makes everything harder than it has to be. He doesn't remember how fabulously we got along and how happy we were because he wants to sabotage himself, he can go on and do that but I'm not playing games anymore. Stuff happened in his life that messed him up, if he wants to put that on us, it's not my problem. He's so hot and cold and quite frankly that's not fair. I'm not going to focus on what was, because it's not what is. What's going to be hard is that he's very charming, and I know I will find out when he's with someone else because he's so connected to me in various ways. That will suck. A lot.

Devils game with Kyle tonight! Don't know what to say about that.

Gettin my SwAgGeR back

I made a massive mistake yesterday. Actually, 2:15am Monday - Tuesday night. I went out with this guy, we're going to call him Unlovable (he actually told me that he got the vibe from me that I was "cold," "unlovable," and after I told him that was slightly offensive he said, "okay, not open to embracing love") who I've known for years and years and years but hadn't seen for a while. He knows Josh from back in the day, and knows my deal with him. Unlovable has a girlfriend he obviously has little regard for. I thought we were going out for a couple beers as friends, yet he ends up professing he'd dump his girlfriend for me, he thinks we have a real connection, there's something about me he loves. He actually used the L word. I think I'm just a good friend to him being we speak on a semi-daily basis, including while he was in Iraq. I'm also someone he "can't have," therefore of course he loves me. It's easy to apply the WMLB principles when you don't actually like the guy.

So we start shooting the shit, talking about people we know and haven't seen. Family members of Josh are brought up, which leads to the question, "When was the last time you saw him? What's going on with that?" So I told him the deal, and he laughs. He tells me, I'm sorry but he's playing the games all guys who can get girls play. You make them fall for you, then it's over. UMMMMM WHAT? So then I think about it, and think hey maybe he's right. Then I drink three more vodka clubs. Then I think he's really right. And I'm mad at myself for being stupid. I don't take into account, hey maybe this guy is just trying to get in your pants and he likes you so he's trying to make Josh look bad. I don't think, he hasn't known Josh since high school, 10 years ago. 2:15am I text Josh that I want the stuff I left at his apartment. 6:30am he texts me what are you talking about, I was in bed sick. Um which lead to a series of texts that basically said "I like you too much to do this" and he's like, you're nuts. I did kind've act nuts. Why can't I just relax and not put all my cards on the table? I went against WMLB principles, and clearly look insane. I'm going to ignore the situation. We had fun, but if he doesn't want to have fun there's nothing I can do. I reread stuff from him early today, and I'm not nuts for being confused. But guys don't respond to words, they respond to distance, so that's what I must do. You can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held. Didn't stop me from eating an entire bag of Family-Sized chips last night though.

Over the weekend I got a text from this guy from college I ran into a couple weeks ago, we can call him Reggie. (I entertain myself with these creative names.) It was out of the blue and he asked me what I was doing that night but I already had plans with Kyle. Reggie was hott in college, not so hott now (like everyone else, he thought it was okay to gain 30 pounds). Also, I did not give him my phone number, he got it off Facebook and since then I have removed the number. I called him out on this, asking how he got my number, and he said, "don't you remember giving it to me?" Uh, no. Anyway he wants to "hang out." He was kind've boring when I ran into him, but he did commend me on my 5k pictures he stalked last summer, so I would go out with him.

This leads me to a new venture: SERIOUSLY applying the WMLB principles through the course of dating someone. This was really why I started this blog, which has turned into a Josh-depression fest somehow. That needs to change. I'm considering joining like match.com for practice as well. I think if I get good enough at it, maybe I won't completely sabotage the next Josh that comes my way. I think match.com would be good because those guys are more likely to behave in a manner more similar to traditional dating- not all this texting bs...at least I hope. I'm SO TIRED of texting. Technology ruined dating. Making men fall in love with me will probably raise my decreased self esteem, be somewhat fun when I'm not thinking about how much dating sucks, I'll get some free dinners/drinks, and will take my mind off J0sh (I hope).

Your love is my drug, is my love your drug? No? Adios.

This quote goes against my feelings about the importance of having the upper hand, but it is worth a mention:"Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right. But power isn't happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less... " - Conner Mead, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

I only caught the end of that movie last night, but obviously it was made for me. I'm a believer of the The Secret/Law of Attractive- and I think the fact that movie was on and I just happened to catch the end was a sick joke from Earth's energy. It was saying- Move on from the bad boy! He will break your heart! I am not Jennifer Garner, I cannot wait 10 years for him to straighten out! Dad was right when he said I love the assholes. I'm masochistic. No actually, as much as I hate Josh, I do have to credit him for making me break down the wall. At least now I know that love is somewhat possible, and that's a liberating feeling in a way.

Then my messed up mind starts to rationalize- Hey you're not together, he's not doing anything wrong. Maybe you need to focus on yourself and not him. Isn't that what Argov told you to do in WMLB? Maybe you need to get a grip.

Ummm maybe. I wish I could blame PMS, but it's not even near that time of the month. I need to stop worrying about Josh and start worrying about myself and how awesome I am.

Reasons I am awesome:

1. I'm freaking hysterical. I crack myself up. I can crack you up.

2. Spontaneous is my middle name.

3. When I'm not rambling, I consider myself a decent writer- as does my profession.

4. Although I make pennies, my job isn't THAT horrendous. My boss and I get along well. It's close to home and a mall for lunchtime shopping. At least I have a job-- I lasted through the Great Recession layoffs!

5. I'm generous and thoughtful. (TOO NICE- damn, can I not count this as a pro?)

6. I'm not a 10 but I'm pretty damn cute. My smile is killer.

7. Driving skills are top notch.

8. Cooking skills also nothing to laugh at.

9. I have killer back muscles.

10. The list could go on but I'm feeling much better already.. I think.

I need to let go, build my confidence back up, and get on with my life. There's no use dwelling about things I can't change. It sucks, my heart is broken, but who cares and who's going to fix it? No one but me. I've also decided to not put anything on Facebook- just so no one can stalk me and find out what I'm up to. :)

"It's gonna hurt when your heart heals, but one way or another, it's going to be better in time."

Ugh, in a very weird mood today. Last night reinforced what I already knew: I'm not okay to date. Okay, for lack of a better word.

1. I'm obviously not "over" Josh, nor am I content with that situation.
2. I hate to date.
3. Feelings suck.

Had a good time with Kyle last night. There's nothing wrong with him. He was fun, he was attentive, he told me I looked nice (he's used to seeing me as a sweaty mess at the gym, he probably was astonished when I was wearing 4 in heels and a dress). He wasn't crazy. I could tell he was a little nervous at first. As the night went on he would say things in reference to the future- like the summer. There's so much I could say about that. WMLB would advise this is a huge NO being I guess you could consider it out first "date," but we have known each other. He texted me today saying he had a good time, blah blah blah. All the things as girls we're not supposed to do, but I won't judge. I don't think that's what's turning me off to him at all actually; it's pretty nice. On paper Kyle is a catch, he's actually even kind've cute although he has small lips, which is EHH in my book. (Picky?) But is the chemistry there? Am I not allowing the chemistry to be there because my heart is somewhere else?

I don't want to date. I was actually cursing myself on the way out the door last night because I don't want to date and I hate it and it just sucks and I wasn't excited. I want to date Josh, and Josh obviously doesn't want to date ME, even though we're technically "dating." I have not heard from him since Friday, that's not dating. He has no idea what I did all weekend and obviously isn't concerned. His BFF is taking his ex out tonight, so they won't be together... So where is he? He met someone else. Or he'd rather be alone than be with me. Sweet.

Took a long drive down to the shore earlier; listened to my Lady Antebellum CD and cried. I haven't cried in a while, it felt good. I'm coming to grips with the obvious- I need to move on from Josh. I can't do this. It hurts and it sucks and I don't deserve it. Why do I want someone who doesn't want me? When we broke up he said he felt why we weren't working out was situational- a lot of stress in both our lives. We rushed. ETC. So "slowing down" felt like it could be a solution, because he claimed he still wanted to see me and had feelings for me. Reality check: He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I thought I did as well, only I don't. This isn't me. I don't want it half assed, I want the whole ass. Honestly I feel like I never knew him because how he's acting is a 180 from who I thought he was.

This is my first heartbreak. I let my guard down for him, I believed him, I trusted him and didn't doubt that I couldn't- he didn't give me a reason that I couldn't. I liked who he was (or who I thought he was) and accepted the imperfections. I dated my ex for a hell of a lot longer, but I always knew in the back of my mind we weren't right for each other, my guard was up, I was not in love. So now I know what it feels like to have your heart crushed. I can't lie to myself and act like he cares, he doesn't show he does anymore therefore he doesnt. You can't casually date someone you love. I have to let it go. It was a feeling unlike anything I've ever experienced. This is corny as hell, but I felt like for the first time I knew what they were always talking about in retarded chick flick romantic movies. I'm going to fight the feeling that the whole thing meant nothing to him.

Dating timelines, another thing I don't understand

A big fundamental I don't think WMLB covers is the dating timeline. It says not to react if you don't hear from a guy for a week...that they need their independence, and will sometimes test you just to see if you're a needy psycho basically. Um makes sense in theory, but if I'm dating a guy and don't hear from him for a week, it tells me he doesn't care. I don't think it's necessarily "needy" to want to feel like somewhat of a priority over like, IDK seeing his friends for the 4th time that week. I understand people have lives, but I think that's pretty bullshitty. I know I was not born with the virtue of patience, but I feel like hey bud if I'm not on your radar for an entire week, I don't even want to be with you anyway. Also, I think days without communication is normal, but after how long? If all were right in the world, after you've been seeing someone for a month, they wouldn't disappear for a week out of the blue. Am I wrong? If I'm seeing you a couple times a week for a month, and then nothing for a week, I'm thinking, 1. he lost interest 2. he met someone else.

I bring this up because while I'm trying to be chill about Josh and I, I'm starting to think it's not even worth it for me to deal with. I don't need something that makes me feel insecure and crazy. I haven't heard from him, which I'm not necessarily surprised about, but it doesn't make me feel good. I know when I was gone all last weekend I didn't contact him, but I know I was THINKING about him. I met guys and told them hey you're great but I'm not over my ex and I'm not going to lie about it. Is he doing that? HA. I can be chill about a guy, but not after I dated them for months and spent Christmas with his family. I need to detach. It's most likely my fault for thinking I could have sex and not care. Time to put on my chasity belt, and not settle for a situation that is not going the way I want it to. I'm not going to say anything to him about it, if I even hear from him at all... Eventually I will, and unless it's a super date, I'm going to decline. It's been a month since we "broke up" now- 2 weeks since we started to "date" again.

Ok, time to get ready for my evening with Kyle...

Do the NICE always finish last?

Welllllllllll I was talked into texting Josh (names have been changed to protect identities- mostly mine, not so much theirs) this afternoon by my girlfriend who is in a similar situation, and you know misery loves company. Responses were enthused at first, and tapered off. No, "I'd like to see you tonight." Whatever. I know he had to stay late at work, again. Part of the reason things were complicated in the first place were stressors like work issues, although I don't know if that's a solid excuse when you really care about someone....BUT it seemed like WMLB stressed not to rush and that periods of absence are not necessarily a bad thing. I need to learn that. I think absence automatically equals disinterest because I'm narcissistic and think I should be the center of their world....hence why I am writing this blog and hopefully learning/maturing. Oh well. I am friendly with his BFF's on-again off-again currently off girlfriend, who said they are heading to a late St. Patricks Day parade overnight tomorrow. I don't care about that, the BFF is what I consider not a strong wingman, even though Josh can do fine on his own... I don't think that's what he's going for. From this point forward I am taking the advice of WMLB and not contacting him. I made the first move today, I'm done. Evan also says to follow the lead of men and let them make all the first moves- which hurts every feminist bone in my body but he seems to know his stuff.

Then there's Kyle. I've known Kyle since, I guess last summer, from the gym. A trainer introduced us. At the time I was still on and off with my ex, and was also seeing another trainer from the gym casually, so nothing really came of it. This meathead was for some reason CRAZY about me and would text me 20 times a day and it was just SUCH a turn off despite his 12 pack abs. (NICE FINISH LAST?) Anyway, so Kyle and I remained cool and I run into him occasionally while out and at the gym. On the way to a certain parade a few weeks ago, run into him on the train. We hang out until we reach our destination then go separate ways. Later in the day randomly run into him and his friends again, and this time my girls and I head to a club with them. We all have a massively good time and we end up dancing and making out all over the place for a few hours. Unfortunately I make out with everyone while partying, but I think it's a lot better than sleeping with them?! I can't tell if Kyle is my type, or if it was just fun. So we've talked a few times since then, and he's invited me to the Devils Rangers game next week since I've never been to an NHL game and he has season tickets. Ran into him at the gym last night, he got on the machine next to me and we did 20 minutes of cardio together, bullshitted. He mentioned that he hasn't really dated anyone in a long time, like two years, but he likes to have fun and go out... He seems to have his shit together, he has a real job although he still lives home and I think he's around 27. This evening I get a text from him that he has to work tomorrow morning so isn't doing anything tonight but would like to see me at some point this weekend. I asked what he had in mind and said I was planning on going to the city or something fun with my partner in crime. He says we should go with him and his friends to this club where we both know the bartendar and there's good music, so I said cool. I'm actually really looking forward to it, we all had a blast when we were at that club in the past. One issue: I kind've have a sinking feeling that I just don't/won't have feelings for him like that. AND because I don't know if I'm that into him, I'm able to give off the "Dream Girl/Bitch" vibe, which of course is drawing him in. He's also not trying super hard, which I sort've like too... although Josh put in a GOOD amount of effort when we first met, and I loved it, which I normally don't. Was this because I had better chemistry with him? We all know chemistry doesn't build a great relationship though-- This is also mentioned in "Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough" by Lori Gottlieb. That book kind've scared me. Am I too picky? Certainly I don't want to end up a 37 yr old single mom who only attracts guys in their 50s, but that's a topic for another day.

So, I'm not sure what to think. If Josh isn't going to put in the effort I want, maybe I should just move on despite my feelings for him when he is around, because this seems like it will inevitably lead to heartbreak unless his behavior changes. And do I force it with Kyle? I'll see how tomorrow goes. i was half expecting a booty call from Josh tonight, which I would've turned down in a bitch-like manner. Damn.

To Text or Not To Text

According to Argov, I should not text first. In fact, I should probably not text at all. After rather sloppy texting on St. Patrick's Day, I'm confused about what to do. My brother advised I may be playing it too aloof, while I think I was kind've crazy with my drunk texts (ugh). The fact is, this isn't a random guy and we're not just starting to date- well I guess it depends how you look at it. We dated seriously for a few months, had major things in both our lives happen, and decided we hadn't built a strong foundation to deal because we had rushed into being serous, and took a step back. We decided that we would casually date and see where it went, since we both had feelings for each other but also had a lot going on. We are sexually exclusive but can "date" other people I suppose. He claims he has not and has no desire to talk to anyone else. I've gone out with a few guys, but nothing serious, it was mostly as a distraction. He gets offended if I hint that I am a booty call to him. His Facebook status (I believe social media has destroyed dating, BTW) says he has a great weekend planned- but those plans do not include me, so how great could it be? I know we are not serious, and he can have his own life as I have mine, but if he was serious about not losing me shouldn't he make plans with me? I have not been the 1st to call or text him since we began this thing, and went away all last weekend (which prompted the "are we exclusive" talk- guess he got nervous)... and when he texted me a somewhat emotional text after we saw each other earlier in the week I played it off like it was nothing. I didn't want to appear emotionally invested yet, even though I am. I'm supposed to play like it doesn't matter to me, like I have tons of fun plans for the weekend and I'm obviously not going to not have plans for Friday night at 2pm Friday afternoon. But the reality is, I wanted to see him and I don't have plans. I do have plans for tomorrow though, which is good. How do you draw the line between he's entitled to do his own thing versus he doesn't care?

In other news, the crazy lady at work keeps trying to set me up with her nephew. Like basically stalking me about it. I've avoided her in the kitchen all week. I'm single, not desperate.