Superfox has returned a new woman

...Heck yes!!! I'm attempting to blog outside right now but I still haven't mastered my contrast settings on my laptop... it seems such a shame to be inside when I could be further enhancing my Florida tan/burn. I'm one of those unfortunate few who don't go tanning anymore but love the sun. I know pale is beautiful but so is kickass blonde and tan when you're recovering from a pummeled heart.

So Florida was awesome. The weather is gorgeous. The men were surprising not really anything to write home about. I can happily say I had a 4 hour romance with a particular "hottie" (young, and I don't even really remember his name) but it was just what the doctor ordered. He actually resembled the guy I had a crush on all throughout high school (that made out with me/had 4 hr phone convos with despite his gf), so I think that fed into my satisfaction. It also involved a hammock. Sweet.

I also hit rock bottom the night before Hottie, with a series of insane crazy texts to J. Maybe it was the marathon drinking or maybe it was the many states of distance between us, but I didn't give a fuck. His lack of desired responses kind've did it for me. I just hit the bottom and realized, Here I am in Florida on vacation and I'm STILL wasting my precious happiness on this loser. Why do I want some damaged good who doesn't give a damn about me?

At that point (okay or the next afternoon while laying at the pool- but still not plagued with regret because I'm so fed up I don't give a damn if he thinks I'm crazy or not) I picked up the book I bought weeks ago but told myself it didn't apply to me at that time because I wasn't officially broken up with (like I needed it to be official to know- how many times do I want to get rejected?) - "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken" by Greg & Amiira Behrendt- the guy who wrote the infamous "He's Just Not That Into You" and his wife. HELLOO NEW FAVORITE BOOK. I've read it through twice and will probably read it 5 more times. 1. I laughed my ass off, out loud, and have dog earred half the book 2. It made me feel like it's okay to feel this crazy 3. It tells you how to deal with it 4. I'm not alone in my pain 5. I'm a Superfox and deserve so much better and 6. This is my opportunity to take back my life and my happiness.

I can honestly honestly honestly say I am SO TIRED of dealing with J and I really don't want anything to do with him, and that I really was lying to myself and in complete denial about the fact he really doesn't care about me and hasn't cared about me in most likely months. I have NO IDEA why he pulled that shit about getting back together - actually I do, because he's a selfish prick who couldn't make up his mind. And as Amiira says, "don't know" means "no." I have felt like such a lunatic- and am I a lunatic? NO. I'm far from perfect, but I'm not legit crazy, and I don't need to be around someone who makes me feel that way. Why do I dangle myself around for him? I don't even want him. He CLEARLY doesn't want me. He was taking the easy way out in the way he broke up with me and the bullshit he put me through.

It's okay to be angry, and it's okay to admit that he's a piece of shit. Yes I was a weak person, and naive, and blinded, and it's okay to feel stupid. It's hard to admit you loved an asshole who actually wasn't that great. (I'm not yet at the point where I can say he is great and not just great for me...and with his current situation of alcoholism and being a complete selfish dickhead, he's probably just not that great...Right now. Perhaps he will get his shit together. Either way, I no longer care to find out.) He has clearly moved on and was moved on way before he even broke up with me. I am moving on.

I am now available to do whatever the fuck I want, be selfish, and am also available to meet someone as awesome as I am. Falling into my little downward spiral the past few months was normal. I was grieving and not embracing the pain, only trying to numb it, because I felt stupid for feeling it in the first place. I've now accepted the hurt, and I'm not letting it cripple me. I've accepted it wasn't what I thought it was, and it's okay. Obviously the way I felt was not the way he felt and I'm not sure I even know who he is, and I don't give a shit because he also doesn't give a shit about me and how awesome I am. The fact I let him do this to me while I was insignificant to him is not going to get me down. I am going to take it one step at a time, one day at a time. I got burned but now it's time to take care of me. I'm back at the gym, I'm only drinking once a week socially (not downing wine after work), I'm reorganizing my room and panting it, and I'm beginning a new career Monday. The reorganizing the room was suggested in the book, and it makes sense. I had a problem with everything reminding me of him - down to the fake birds hanging in the airport in Florida because they looked like the birds hanging from the ceiling when we went to see Switchfoot- is that not fucked up? - So the way to help fix it is to recreate your space as a new space without that person and create new memories. I'm not gonna listen to certain artists for a while, I'm not wearing anything that reminds me of him. I'm the new me, the new Superfox (a term from the book, if you haven't caught on to that yet).

I'm also making a huge list of all the things about him that bothered me that I ignored. All the red flags. Like the alcoholism and how I felt like I was living in Limbo for months.

One day at a time.