Dumb blonde

I just realized how shitty my grammar is in the majority of this blog. It's shocking I took AP English in high school and by passed college English classes. I guess I'm just lazy when it comes to writing here and don't give a damn. I was half hoping for a random text from J today. FML

Dating isn't fun

Recently this guy I met a couple weeks ago through friends (we made out at the bar, his "girl" of some sort started freaking out, I laughed and went home) got my number and has been texting me. He started texting me yesterday, and my girlfriend convinced me it was a good idea to say f it and go meet him for a few drinks. I never should've gone. 1. He was 45 minutes late. 2. He acted like that was not a big deal. 3. He told me he "works and drinks, tell me stories." 4. He acted like we should go somewhere and hook up. 

Ok the only reason I even was at the bar long enough for him to show up was because the Yankees were on, I was drinking a glass of wine and liquor stores were already closed. Also I didn't want to go home and admit to my rents that I got stood up. It was the most ridiculous thing I've ever experienced. One glass of wine and I was out of there...Then I went home and ate a jar of peanut butter. My love handles are rapidly expanding. Although I've come to the mature realization that the right person I want to be with will like me even if I have size 4-6 love handles instead of my toned biceps and 16% body fat that was possible when I didn't work 10+ hour days. 

Seriously made me miss J, even though he's such an ass. I might've done a drive-by on my way home. 

Got another Facebook IM from J today, although I didn't see it until after he signed off because I was furiously working. "you can just drop my sweatshirt off if you don't wanna see me." Like, wtf does that even mean? Has he made an effort to get it? Have I implied I didn't want to see him? What kind of response was he fishing for? I'm not going out of my way to drop it off. I am way too busy during the week to even deal with it. I thought about texting him then remembered I deleted his number, although I have it saved in my email. Perhaps I will later in the week, I'm in no rush. Honestly he knows where I live, he knows I'm not going anywhere, and I don't see the urgent need to get a sweatshirt back at the beginning of the summer. 

The weekend was a bust, and my bust is sore

So my weekend goal of meeting a guy who 1. is not an ex and 2. I don't work with, was not achieved. Perhaps because Friday night I went to the same bar I go to pretty much every Friday night and never meet anyone. I don't really go trolling, I go because of their patio and $2 beers and my friends, so I can't really complain. I felt kind've crappy Saturday (I think Boss Man passed on his hacking cough to me - a nice souvenir from making out with a taken coworker!) so I decided not to force myself to make plans. Went shopping. Have a few beers with the rents. The rents' crazy friend stops by. Mom takes shot of tequila and decides she WANTS A TATTOO RIGHT NOW. LETS GO RIGHT NOW. Crazy friend says okay lets! Dad says, OH NO. My mom is no where near wild child, but dad is even "stricter" when it comes to permanent defacing of the body. I should note the rents are far from conservative, but for some reason my dad is weird about this. He knows of my 2 tattoos and is not happy about them. So the four of us head to the only open tattoo place at 9pm on a Saturday. And I....decide to get my nipple pierced. I've had my nose, multiple holes in each ear, cartilage, my belly button is currently pierced... and I kind've always wanted to get it done because it's uh pretty unexpected if you meet me under regular circumstance and I like that. My college roommate and I were supposed to get em done together but chickened out. I never thought my dad would be in the building when it actually happened. I'm glad he didn't have a heart attack. It actually didn't hurt, it's sore now though. The fuckin ring is pretty big, I can't wait til I can get it changed. The guy who did it was completely unfriendly, I was trying to make small talk - like hi I don't just let anyone see my boob! - but he was pretty unresponsive. At least he wasn't sketchy.

So anyways, as I mentioned Wednesday wanted to defriend J because his status updates are a slap in my face after he told me how fucked up, miserable and drowning in alcohol he was - suddenly he's now on top of the world and "working hard, partying harder."  GAG. I just don't give a shit... I legit don't "care," but I also don't need to see it because it is hurtful. So Thursday I have to work late and then meet my friend for a couple drinks and I'm on the bus on the way home 11pm and who do I get a text from but J. FUCK. MY. LIFE. About earrings I left there at his place. Hi, 1. we haven't talked in weeks 2. we broke up a month ago 3. I don't give a shit about $8 earrings from H&M. I did not respond. The next day I'm on Facebook for like 3 minutes at work and he IMs me. Fuck Facebook chat.

J: Guess you don't want them
no, I don't even remember which ones they are, they were most likely no more than $10, and if it means never seeing you again I will chalk the $10 up as a loss
Me: That was a random text
oh yeah, because I haven't heard from you in weeks after you claimed you still cared about me yet have expressed no concern for my monumental shift in employment
J: I just saw them, sorry.
hmm, I'll ignore the fact I know you didn't just see them randomly after a month
Me: Do you want your sweatshirt back?
you know, the one I wore home after we got back together. the one from AC where we 1st decided to be exclusive and that's why I like the sweatshirt and took that one
J: Yes thats my favorite I would love it back
well then you should've gotten it back when I tried to give it back the 1st time weeks ago instead of ignoring me
Me: Ok
5 minutes - He says nothing.
Me: g2g, let me know what you want me to do with your stuff.

I'm also giving back his ski goggles he gave me because clearly if I ever go skiing again I don't want to be reminded of him. I made sure to delete his number from my phone, again. I really do hate him. Now I need to start my no-contact count all over again too!

Work wasn't that awkward with the Boss Man last week.... well not when we're just working anyway. I can tell it's going to be a little weird as time goes on because I'm going to get to know these people on more than a stuffy work level...and I feel weird doing that with Boss Man because we've felt each other up. He asked me what I was doing this weekend. I felt funny. Like do I want to ask him back and have to hear him say what his plans are with his gf? Does he want me to tell him my goal of meeting a guy I don't work with? I'm on the prowl, that's what I'm doing.

I really need to start dating again. Eharm keeps sending me losers though, and I honestly don't have time to date during the week now anyway. Ugh. I feel okay though.

Busy busy :)

Work has been great! It's super busy and I have so much to learn, and the commute sucks, but I really like it. It's nice being around people my own age. It's very social... going out with clients and such. Went to a big party this week, like legit big party...  I've never seen "colleagues" of any type party like that. My boss gave me his Am Ex to take a cab all the way back to Jersey so I didn't have to risk public transportation which was super sweet.

And I have a confession and this is so horrible and I never wanted to be that girl, but I sort've made out with the guy who's training me. He's not technically my boss, but he's in my group, which is bad news. He also LIVES WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. I guess it started when I had a problem getting in and so I called him and he came to my rescue within seriously 1 minute tops. Then he got me a drink. Then we started talking more - but that's normal since I know him the best at work, and we hung out at the event last week too. And then he started getting a little TOO CLOSE and just happened to brush my ass. Then we started dancing. Then...ya know haha no JK. He walked me out to get a cab is what I think happened. (Whoops shots of Patron!) It was awesome though.  During/after the making out, he kept saying "oh no this is so wrong, we can't do this, we work together." I was like bro what about your gf at home? I dont care, I'm not the one in a relationship. From what I can tell, LOTS of people at work hook up. I guess we shouldn't since we work SO CLOSELY but whatever I'm not gonna freak out about it. There was serious sexual tension, at least on my part, but I guess the feeling had been mutual. He's freaking sexy. Let's call him Boss Man although he's not my boss. He's pretty good looking, and the fact he's smart is super hott. So the next day he kind've says "uh I was a little out of hand last night" and I just played it off. Then he gave me that smile. Fuck. haha It hasn't really been THAT awkward. I'm just acting like it didn't happen. It was also not at the party, so no one else knows anyway. It's probably bad I look forward to going to work because of him, but whatever, I need some excitement in my life. Um kind've weird but he also friended me on Facebook the next day, so then I got to check out the pics of him and his hott (and I'm not just sayin that) girlfriend. Tis my life, obviously.

During all this I've been distracted from J, well, at least while at work. I should actually say lack of J, since I haven't heard from him in weeks, since I last mentioned - when I passed him driving about two weeks ago and he completely ignored me and my monumental life change the past while. Fuck him. I'm not gonna lie and say I don't think about him, because I still do everyday. Sometimes I miss him. I'm really hurt by how things ended and feel really betrayed and stupid, but I'm letting it go. I read a really good book about the 5 "givens" of life- everything ends, people suck sometimes, etc - and basically it said sometimes life does suck and instead of denying your shitty feelings, it's better to embrace them and face them head on and know you're becoming a better person because of them, and in the end you'll be stronger and feel better. Kind of finding inner peace in knowing everything eventually works out. It helped me get over a lot of anger and sadness. I've been keeping busy too...

OH! When I was out this weekend, I was having dinner with my girlfriend at a bar/restaurant where J and I sometimes went, but I've gone there lots of times before. My gf and I know the bartender through our exes. The bartender sees us and comes over and says hi! and that there's people we know on the patio. My girlfriend catches a name, and she's like, wait, did she just say J's slut!? I don't know why she thought we knew her, but obviously she didn't know the story of her and J. So my gf goes outside to "have a cigarette" and BAM IT'S J'S SLUT! Wow my dreams came true. I wasn't gonna go out there and cause a scene, the girl def knows who I am, so we knew eventually the group would have to walk through the restaurant to leave. And she did. And she's not that pretty. She has back fat. I stared her down. She didn't see me. IT. WAS. AWESOME. Then my gf and I did some investigating and talked to a bar fly and found out that indeed, J and her did talk for "two weeks, until slut scared her off." No lie, those were the words bar fly used, and he did not know the situation of who I was. Amazing. Then I got sad, so I went home and went to bed. Deleting J from my phone was THE BEST THING I'VE EVER DONE. All his Facebook statuses are now about how happy he is and how great his life is. What a joke. I thought about deleting him but I'm too much of a stalker. I'm slowly not caring. I have too many other things to worry about.

That being said, it's been quite a while since I've been on a date. Like months, not counting the brief re-kindling with J. This weekend I plan to meet someone who 1. I dont work with 2. Is not an ex, and hit it off and plan a date!

Exhausted but happy!

First day at the new job was great!! Commute blows beyond belief, and I hate feeling like I know nothing, but everyone was pretty awesome. "Different" going from working with all women basically 50+ to basically all men in their late 20s. Wowzers! I need to curb my flirtatious spirit, I can't tell if I'm coming across friendly or over the top.

Passed J on my way to the gym after work. Thanks for continuing to be a complete douchebag and not checking in on the most monumental day of my adult life to date, at least you're a consistent prick. I'm shredding his sweatshirt.

I'm only decoding myself from now on

It's amazing how light you can feel when you're not constantly trying to decode someone else's mood swings! Redirecting the focus onto what makes me happy is a great alternative. So I guess this whole getting over someone thing takes time and it won't be overnight. But I need to stop thinking about it completely, good times, bad times, pros and cons... I need to move on and stop over-analyzing and focusing so much energy into it.

Went to happy hour with a new gf last night and had a great time! Sat outside at the bar's patio, played games (she won Mets tickets, too bad we're all Yankees fans), and talked to new boys! Even gave my number to one of them. While he was too materialistic (I'm picky in an odd way) for me and too short (my height when I'm weighing flip flops- ugh) he was cute and fun to talk to. I was sitting at the bar talking to another guy (who was a mutual friend) and he walks away for a minute... and that minute turned out to be 5 minutes, so I grab his sweatshirt he left and went to give it to him and head home. I'm walking to the patio and all of a sudden the sweatshirt is yanked from my hands, I turn and there is a ravenous girl being held back by the guy. I just laughed and left. Poor crazy girl, probably an ex... Oh how I know what it feels like to be crazy!

Also ran into a guy who J is friendly with; we used to see the kid out occasionally. He knew J and I were dating obviously, and obviously he hasn't seen us together in a while. IDK what J tells people about our breakup but most likely he doesn't publicize, it's not his style. I smile and wave to the guy. He comes over and is like so what happened, no more J huh? and I shook my head, smiled, and said no. He said, you don't seem like it was your decision... I said no not really but it's okay. The guy says, "That's a shame, you two were cute together. He's going to learn once it's too late that girls like you are hard to find." I said yeah tell him that. Felt good to hear though.

And I went home and didn't feel the urge to do a stalker drive-by. I didn't cry. I wasn't upset. I went out, had fun, and didn't worry about J. AND IT FELT AWESOME.

Wow, don't listen to the radio when you're healing your heart

And don't listen to this song, because within 20 seconds my eyes were completely filled with tears and I don't even know why since he's a piece of shit.

Superfox has returned a new woman

...Heck yes!!! I'm attempting to blog outside right now but I still haven't mastered my contrast settings on my laptop... it seems such a shame to be inside when I could be further enhancing my Florida tan/burn. I'm one of those unfortunate few who don't go tanning anymore but love the sun. I know pale is beautiful but so is kickass blonde and tan when you're recovering from a pummeled heart.

So Florida was awesome. The weather is gorgeous. The men were surprising not really anything to write home about. I can happily say I had a 4 hour romance with a particular "hottie" (young, and I don't even really remember his name) but it was just what the doctor ordered. He actually resembled the guy I had a crush on all throughout high school (that made out with me/had 4 hr phone convos with despite his gf), so I think that fed into my satisfaction. It also involved a hammock. Sweet.

I also hit rock bottom the night before Hottie, with a series of insane crazy texts to J. Maybe it was the marathon drinking or maybe it was the many states of distance between us, but I didn't give a fuck. His lack of desired responses kind've did it for me. I just hit the bottom and realized, Here I am in Florida on vacation and I'm STILL wasting my precious happiness on this loser. Why do I want some damaged good who doesn't give a damn about me?

At that point (okay or the next afternoon while laying at the pool- but still not plagued with regret because I'm so fed up I don't give a damn if he thinks I'm crazy or not) I picked up the book I bought weeks ago but told myself it didn't apply to me at that time because I wasn't officially broken up with (like I needed it to be official to know- how many times do I want to get rejected?) - "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken" by Greg & Amiira Behrendt- the guy who wrote the infamous "He's Just Not That Into You" and his wife. HELLOO NEW FAVORITE BOOK. I've read it through twice and will probably read it 5 more times. 1. I laughed my ass off, out loud, and have dog earred half the book 2. It made me feel like it's okay to feel this crazy 3. It tells you how to deal with it 4. I'm not alone in my pain 5. I'm a Superfox and deserve so much better and 6. This is my opportunity to take back my life and my happiness.

I can honestly honestly honestly say I am SO TIRED of dealing with J and I really don't want anything to do with him, and that I really was lying to myself and in complete denial about the fact he really doesn't care about me and hasn't cared about me in most likely months. I have NO IDEA why he pulled that shit about getting back together - actually I do, because he's a selfish prick who couldn't make up his mind. And as Amiira says, "don't know" means "no." I have felt like such a lunatic- and am I a lunatic? NO. I'm far from perfect, but I'm not legit crazy, and I don't need to be around someone who makes me feel that way. Why do I dangle myself around for him? I don't even want him. He CLEARLY doesn't want me. He was taking the easy way out in the way he broke up with me and the bullshit he put me through.

It's okay to be angry, and it's okay to admit that he's a piece of shit. Yes I was a weak person, and naive, and blinded, and it's okay to feel stupid. It's hard to admit you loved an asshole who actually wasn't that great. (I'm not yet at the point where I can say he is great and not just great for me...and with his current situation of alcoholism and being a complete selfish dickhead, he's probably just not that great...Right now. Perhaps he will get his shit together. Either way, I no longer care to find out.) He has clearly moved on and was moved on way before he even broke up with me. I am moving on.

I am now available to do whatever the fuck I want, be selfish, and am also available to meet someone as awesome as I am. Falling into my little downward spiral the past few months was normal. I was grieving and not embracing the pain, only trying to numb it, because I felt stupid for feeling it in the first place. I've now accepted the hurt, and I'm not letting it cripple me. I've accepted it wasn't what I thought it was, and it's okay. Obviously the way I felt was not the way he felt and I'm not sure I even know who he is, and I don't give a shit because he also doesn't give a shit about me and how awesome I am. The fact I let him do this to me while I was insignificant to him is not going to get me down. I am going to take it one step at a time, one day at a time. I got burned but now it's time to take care of me. I'm back at the gym, I'm only drinking once a week socially (not downing wine after work), I'm reorganizing my room and panting it, and I'm beginning a new career Monday. The reorganizing the room was suggested in the book, and it makes sense. I had a problem with everything reminding me of him - down to the fake birds hanging in the airport in Florida because they looked like the birds hanging from the ceiling when we went to see Switchfoot- is that not fucked up? - So the way to help fix it is to recreate your space as a new space without that person and create new memories. I'm not gonna listen to certain artists for a while, I'm not wearing anything that reminds me of him. I'm the new me, the new Superfox (a term from the book, if you haven't caught on to that yet).

I'm also making a huge list of all the things about him that bothered me that I ignored. All the red flags. Like the alcoholism and how I felt like I was living in Limbo for months.

One day at a time.